I learned something in the last five days.
I definitely do not want to have more kids.
I know, I know. My last post was all about my self-induced guilt trip about not having more kids. And I honestly think there is a lot more to that guilt than just me feeling bad that poor Baby Cakes doesn't have anyone to play with but me, and I'm constantly telling her no, because I have more important things to do, like vacuum, or be on my computer looking at Reddit. (I get an A+ in my Mommy Classes for sure!) The Mormon culture that is all around me (due to location), as well as the fact that I was pretty heavily involved in it during my formative teen years, I'm positive has a lot to do with that (we must multiply and replenish the earth, don't you know). If I had joined as an adult, I don't know if that particular teaching would have stuck with me as much. And there is some guilt stemming from the fact that, out of 3 children, I'm the only one to produce a grandchild. It's a stupid reason, but hey, it is one. And there are a few other minor reasons that I'm not going to bother thinking about right now, because I already posted about it and I'm not a dog that sniffs (and possibly eats) what I regurgitate.
So, how do I know I absolutely, do not ever, want more kids? My period started today, 5 days late. And I was all sorts of freaking out the whole time. I went from scared, to pissed, to a kind of resigned and depressed acceptance, to relief when it started, in those 5 days. I never said a word to The Man about it either, because I was really hoping I wasn't. I mean, I just didn't feel pregnant, not that that means anything. That feeling certainly wasn't comforting me at all. Because how many stories are out there of women who go into labor who claim they didn't even know they were pregnant? I know I've heard of a few.
But my instant reaction I had when I realized I was late, which was of fear and "Oh my god I don't want this!", really answered whatever questions I had left bouncing around in my head about whether we should just have another one.
I'm done.
We're done.
And now I can honestly start working on getting over the unnecessary guilt about it, and start proudly owning our choice.
