So, lately I have been praying for the ability to take responsibility for my own life. Not every day, or even regularly, but I have, when it has occurred to me to ask. Because I know that I shouldn't like playing the blame game as much as I do. But, man, does the blame game make life easier for myself (not necessarily for others; it probably just pisses them off). But, in fairness to those around me, I'm trying to stop. Because if I want to end up with friends when I die, I need to stop blaming everyone and everything when something goes wrong. As for the consequences for that prayer? Well, now I have the opportunity to not play the blame-game with The Mom and take responsibility for my half of our crappy, crappy relationship. She sent me a letter that totally threw me for a loop, making me see her as a person, (I know, an actual person!) rather than as just a mom. Grrrr! It was all so much easier before! But, when The Man gets off the phone, I feel that I have to call her to respond to this letter. I would write one back, but I can't stand non-instant communication in situations like this. The faster I get them over with (with all the requisite crying) the better. I have no idea if this will actually change things between me and The Mom. I hoping it does. We've done this so many, many times and I feel like it has always back-fired on me. But I'm going to keep trying, because, well, I asked for it.
Dang you Heavenly Father! When I prayed for this, I didn't mean for it to happen! *shaking of fist to the sky*
(I would have said damn, but you can't really damn Him, since He's the only one who can do the damning, and I would probably be damned myself for damning Him, and I really don't want that. Damn damn damn damn damn.)
Good to get that out of my system.
Now, let's see if I can take responsibility for myself and my actions, AND own up to them. Slow going, I'm sure, but so be it. I'm counting on doing this making me a better person. I know, I know, you all think I'm perfect. Sorry to bust your bubble, but I'm not. No, really, I'm not. Not till next week anyway. Then I will be.
*sigh* I guess I just have to do this, no matter how much I don't want to. I did ask for it. Here's to hoping that I make it.
Well, I admire that you are taking the steps you are. I know it's really hard. The hardest thing for me to accept concerning my mother was realizing I was the way I was because of me and not because of her. And taking accountability for myself was scary and difficult, there was nowhere to hide. But it was also very liberating and refreshing. So, don't give up. And you know you can call me if you need to talk. Sometimes talking makes it easier to let go of the whatever-it-is that happens. :)
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