Rhetorical Posting

For various reasons, I've had on my mind our decision to only have one kid.  All sorts of What If's are going through my head.

What if I'm doing the wrong thing by only having Baby Cakes and stopping there?

What if I'm hurting her in some way?

Would she be happier having sibling?

What if I'm messing her up?

What if she grows up to be miserable and unhappy because she's an only child, and she hates us for it?

What if we do have another so she'll have a friend and they end up hating each other?

What if, what if, what if?

I have 2 siblings, and even though it was minefield a lot of times, there were good times too.  I have good memories of my brothers, as well as bad.  And it's pretty awesome having them to talk to.  Sometimes, only they can really understand what I'm feeling about certain things.  And I love my brothers and would do anything for them.  But I won't do that.

But, regardless of the fact that I love them, we are not close.  The hard times we went through did not band us together in sibling solidarity, it only separated us, especially between me and my older brother (we are only just now starting to talk on the phone and actually have things to talk about).  And the only explanation I can come up with is our personalities.  We are all very, very different. 

Older Brother is punk, in every sense of the word.  He has been since high school (we are all now in our early 30's).  He does the hair, the clothes, the philosophies, the lifestyle. 

I'm this weird mix of conventional and unconventional.  I'm a people-pleaser, as well as someone who couldn't give a flying rat fart what someone thinks.  I'm a quintessential Gemini. 

Little Brother is laid back, easy going, a peace maker.  He doesn't like conflict, especially in the family, and never has.  He's the only one of all of us that consistently gets along with everybody in the family.  He's also the most extroverted out of the 3 of us.

The Man has 2 siblings.  One doesn't speak to us, for unknown reasons, and the other, well, let's just say the relationship was extremely rocky for a long time, but is now very awesome. 

So I also know that having a sibling does not mean you will automatically have a bestie for life.

But I was also never lonely, not in the sense that I think only's can be.  I may not have been friends with my brothers, but at least they were around.  And I think that's were this wondering is coming from.  It would break my heart to know that my little girl is lonely, when I know I could do something about it.

My reasons for not having another? 

-  I couldn't handle it emotionally or mentally.  Adia is super sensitive to people being sad.  I'm not sure how she would handle those moments when a baby cries for no apparent reason for hours, other than crying herself (which is what she currently does).  And if that is how she would handle it, my clothing choice for every day would be a straight jacket.

-  With The Man doing 5 - 6 hours of homework a night, there is not as much help there as I would like (though he does offer all the time.  With how much homework he has to do, I try to not take him up on it too often).  And what if, after he graduates, he gets a job where he doesn't even come home until dinner time, or maybe even later?  I remember how frustrating and difficult it was to make dinner with a crying baby, even with a wrap.  And how hard it can be now to make dinner with a 3 year old wanting to play with me (but doesn't want to help).  Put the 2 together and we would be getting take out every night.

-  Teething and potty training.  Need I say more?

-  Lack of sleeping, and not being able to nap with the baby because I have a toddler to take care of too.  And I am a terrible person if I don't get my sleep.  My patience is gone and I snap way to easily, even though I try very hard not to.  I just wouldn't be the mom I want to be due to lack of sleep.  I know this from experience.

-  Not having the time to myself I need every night because I have to go feed/change/rock a crying baby every 2 or so hours.

-  I love, love, love being able to give my full attention to Baby Cakes when I'm playing with her.  I love knowing that I can be the kind of mom I want to be since I don't have to worry about more than her.  I'm really not that good at this whole parenting thing, but I love how happy it makes her for me to spend time with her (though it can be soooooooooo boring).  And I love that I can give that to her more than I would be able to with another.

-  Deep down, I know that I'm very very happy with just one, and I feel it's very important for the parents to feel that way. 

-  But the biggest reason why I don't want another one is simply that I just don't.  I have no desire to get pregnant (in fact I'm actually a little happy when I get my period every month), I have no desire to have a baby to hold that I can't give back. I just don't have that drive, that feeling, that want, that I had before I had Baby Cakes. 

-  Oh, and The Man doesn't want another either.  

For those of you out there with more than one kid, and who want(ed) more than one, I wholeheartedly commend you.   You are more mentally stable than me.