Hide and Go Seek

I have been having the strangest of struggles lately.  Of course, these struggles show up mostly at night, when I'm tired and can't really think clearly.  I'm not sure where they are coming from, or what they are trying to tell me.  During the day, I have a tendency to hide from them, through watching tv, not eating, or eating things I don't really want to, or by spending hours online, doing nothing.

I think I'm searching for something, but for what, I'm not entirely sure.

I recently got a wonderful card from some wonderful ladies for my birthday (okay, so June isn't really that recent, but it IS more recent than, say, December).  It was filled with lots of wonderful birthday wishes and hopes and it made me feel more loved and noticed than anything has in a long time.  One note in particular really touched me.  It said that I make this woman want to like herself for her.  I was so flattered.

But I don't get it.

I don't like myself, at all.  (I know, I know, I'm amazing, wonderful, smart AND beautiful.  Stop it, you're making me blush!)

Really, I don't.  I never have, except possibly for a very short time when I was little, which is a time I don't remember (I seriously have the worst memory of anyone I know.  At least, if I remember that I know you).  I know all to well what all my flaws are, and I am constantly embarrassed by them.  I spout words of acceptance of self to everyone else, because I don't want them to be like me.  I am plagued constantly by thoughts and feelings (feelings are the worst.  You can't just push those aside, like thoughts) of not being good enough, clean enough, perfect enough, at anything.  My house gets cleaned in a whirlwind every couple of weeks, not at a steady, constant pace like I'm "supposed" to.  I vacuum a couple of days after I notice animal hair has intolerably built up against the furnace intake vents.  I wear my pajamas almost everyday.  I don't think I have a single flattering piece of clothing available for me to wear right now.  Just old t-shirts and 2 pairs of pants that don't really fit well.  We're too poor for me to go and try to find something, but that doesn't matter anyway, because I'm too fat to even bother trying to find something flattering (this thought is just me being unable to put a finger on what is really bothering me.  It's my safety net.  I feel bad, so it must be because I'm fat).  I don't exercise like I'm "supposed" to.  I don't eat at healthy as I'm "supposed" to.  I don't WANT to eat as healthy as I'm "supposed" to.

I feel constantly judged, constantly battered by "supposed" to's and "have" to's.  I am constantly looking at other people and seeing them do what they want, doing what makes them happy, experiencing things and letting them flow through them, letting the experiences mark their surroundings, and all I see me doing is trying to be like everyone around me.  Bland, boring.  (Not you, whoever is reading right this moment!  You're full of colors and are extremely exciting, really!)  That's how I feel.  These people I admire so greatly, I'm sure they feel constantly judged, but they do what they want anyway.  They are the embodiment of freedom to me.

There are people I know, friends and family, that would/will read this and say, "Have you looked at your choice of religion as the root of your feelings of judgement and confinement?"  So to get it out of the way, to them I say:  Yes.  I have.  And for me, my religion has actually given me the courage and the tools and weapons to break away from the judgement and confinement I feel.  I was feeling this well before I joined the LDS church, and it has brought me the most peace to my heart and soul, the most healing, out of anything else I have tried.  I also look at the LDS church very differently from most people and members, I feel, and that's a big reason that it does bring me peace.  Also, I met The Man because of it, and well, you all know how sexy-hot he is!

But I seem to have gotten stuck in this awful purgatory of not quite bad enough to need massive amounts of help and pills and therapy and pity, and the wonderful sense of joy and peace that everyone craves and needs.  Few people find it, and I want to be one of them.  I really do want to love me for me, not for how I look, or how my clothes fit, or how clean my house is.  But right now, that is where all my worth is tied up.  In outward appearances.  It sickens me, yet I can't move on from it.  I so want to, but how do you break away from these chains?  How do you truly live apart from the world, yet still be an active participant?  How do you really embrace those things that make you different, even if it makes others uncomfortable, or even dislike you?