Feeling much better now, thanks.
I'm trying to really look hard at myself and figure out what exactly it is that I'm so unhappy with. My life is so full of amazing things! I have a lot of good friends (you love me, you really love me!), people who actually WANT to hang out with me (my diabolical plan is working! Mwha hahahahahahahahaha!), a wonderfully easy baby to take care of (even though she STILL WON'T SLEEP), an amazing husband who loves me and is easy on the eyes, and my family, well, they are my family. I love them. And they won't leave me alone anyway, so I guess I'm stuck with them.
I've gotten a lot of good advice and I'm working hard at convincing myself to follow it. I think a big part of it is that I'm so used to being unhappy, having something that needs to be fixed, that I'm looking for it. Even though I've been happier than I've ever been for the last 8 or 9 years, the idea of happiness still scares me. Depression is certainly a security blanket, though I don't want it anymore. I guess I just have some old habits that I need to finally let go of that I'm struggling with.
I did read somewhere that the pursuit of happiness that is currently in vogue is actually a fairly new thing and is making more people unsatisfied and UNhappy than ever before. A lot of people believe that the grass is greener on the other side, and aren't looking at what they already have to be happy. Some ideal (wealth, skinnyness, no gray hairs, fancy cars, stuff, etc.) is what is going to make them happy and satisfied and they keep trying for it. Then they reach it, and they don't think they are happy, so they keep looking. Pop culture is telling us that the search for happiness is more important than anything else, and it's blinding people to the fact that they may already have everything they need to be happy. Happy people aren't searching to be more happy. In fact, happy people don't REALIZE they are happy. They realize they are satisfied with life, and they realize they are very blessed, but being happy may NOT be a conscious choice. It's just a state of being. And oddly enough, being unhappy sometimes, is a part of the general happiness. (Depression and unhappiness are not the same thing.)
So, I'm not depressed, I know that for sure, I AM bored a lot of the time, and I think because of that, I worry way way way too much about how happy I am or am not. I have to fix my way of looking at things, the way I talk to myself. I have to stop being ashamed of my some of my interests and start being proud of what I can do and of myself. To stop being ashamed of my past, but also not keep looking at it for the source of all my "problems". I need to learn to move on and let go. And maybe stop watching so much tv. (Nah, I like it too much.)
Will I achieve this? I have no idea. I may not in this lifetime. I certainly don't want to think that I can't anymore. Because if I believe that, than I definitely won't.
I was going to write on here last week but then I got distracted. I was going to tell you that I really loved your thoughts in this post. Especially paragraph 3. As my tummy is getting bigger, my thoughts start to think of all the weight I am gaining and I get discouraged. But hello, that's normal. I hate our society sometimes!! I hate feeling pressure to look a certain way. I hope that you are satisfied with life and that you are able to ignore society!
ReplyDeleteJamie, I wish I was able to ignore society! If I was, than I could teach how to Baby Cakes, but it's still a huge struggle for me to not think I need to look like I did in high school (not that I looked remotely healthy then). High school and teenagers and their bodies and looks (except for the pimples) are so glamorized. Sometimes I wish I lived in the days when you weren't a woman until you LOOKED like one, ie., you had hips, boobs, and had had a kid so that you had that soft little tummy. Though I probably would be wearing a corset to get that tiny little waist, so it wouldn't have been all good. *sigh*
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