Productive Brain Farting

So I just had a little bit of an epiphany. (Seriously, like just a few minutes ago.  It would have been a few seconds, but my computer decided to be evil and shut down without telling me that the battery was low, so I had to restart it.  Oh the AGONY of waiting to tell you!)

I have been hating on the way my body looks for years.  And I have been hating on how crappy I tend to eat 2 weeks out of the month (the other 2 still aren't great, but I do feel more motivated to eat vegetables and less chips).  And I have been hating on how pressured I feel to exercise, because I'm "supposed" to be thin/healthy.  And these thoughts have very recently been consuming almost all my time.  Some changes are going on in my life right now that are making me feel out of control, so I'm finding myself turning back to old habits and thought patterns about controlling my food intake.  Thankfully I haven't actually started doing it, but the battle against that scared self in my head is harder than it's been for almost a decade.  And of course throw in mild depression and seasonal affective disorder and a super crappy and gray winter, and it kind of squishes me down with it's weight. 

I kind of feel at times that I'm stuck between a rock and hard place.  I do want to lose weight, mostly because I hate the way I look and I believe I'll be happy if I was just skinny and pretty again (yes, I know that this is a horrible way of thinking and not true.  I'm gorgeous, damn it, but I don't feel gorgeous).  But I also want to build muscle so I can be strong and powerful and confident in my knowledge of what my body can do.  I hate feeling weak and I hate being dependent on others to do what I know I should be able to do.  Like lift a 50 pound bag of dog food without feeling like I'm going to tip over on my ass.  I don't necessarily want to do it gracefully (though that would be nice) or be able to bench press more than some of my more athletically inclined male friends (of which I have one) (though that would be AWESOME!!!), I just want to be able to do it.  It just takes sooooooooooooo muuuuuuuuuuuch woooooooooooooorrrrrk....... Blah.  And I'm lazy.  So very lazy.

BUT

the epiphany.  Telling myself that I need to exercise because that's what I "should" do to be healthy, or be thin, or whatever, doesn't work.  It never has.  I don't think it works for most people.  Everyone has a little James Dean in them and wants to flip the bird whenever someone says they "should" do something.  I know I do, anyway.  I will dig in my heels and pull the other direction just because I have to show that I don't have to do anything anyone else says.  I'm totally in control of my life and YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!!  (Envision me stomping my foot and pouting.  I'm very good at it, it shouldn't be too hard.)

BUT (again)

if I say to myself, "Self, I challenge you to, oh, I don't know, power-walk around the table 3 times then press your naked butt against the window", I will probably do it.  I'm even more likely to do it if someone else challenges me to do it.  Especially if I know that they will be checking up on me to see if I did it.  Oooooo, and give me a prize if I do, oh man!  There are no bounds to what I would do if challenged.  Okay, I would probably have some limits, but probably not many.  But it has to be a challenge.  Daring me, doesn't work so much.  Meh.  Dares are likely to hurt or embarrass me, so, do it yourself.  I'm not sticking my tongue on THAT pole, thankyouverymuch (I was never much fun at Truth or Dare). 

This epiphany was brought to you by the fact that I forced myself to exercise today.  I hate to exercise (see above lazy excuse).  I don't feel good before, during, or after I do it.  And when I have to stop half-way through Sweating to the Oldies, I feel pretty weak too.  Afterwards, while I was drinking my Lemon Zinger tea, I was reading a blog post about a woman who had challenged herself to do a 7 day cleanse and was writing about how great she felt after completing the challenge.  Not because she had lost weight, or had broken some of her bad eating habits, but because she had been challenged to do something and had accomplished it. 

And I realized, "That's me!"  I thought to myself, "Self, I challenge you to sweat to the oldies 5 days a week for 1 week," and I said back, "You're going DOWN sucker!"  Suddenly, I felt like I could do it.  It wasn't a chore.  I had something to prove.  I FELT GOOD ABOUT IT.  Oh man, it was amazing.  And then I thought, "I need to blog about this!"  And then my computer shut down and I had to restart it, and well, here we are. 

So, starting on Monday, I will exercise 5 days in a row.  I'm allowing myself to pick what that is, though I'm pushing myself to do my exercise videos (yes, they really are Richard Simmons ones.  For some reason, I feel like less of a loser doing those ones), I could just go for a walk if that's what I wanted to do.  I'm also giving myself the weekend off.  Now I just have to pick what my prize at the end of the week will be.  Maybe Burger King?  Mmmmm......yum........

Source

*sigh*

Sometimes I feel like a huge hippie hypocrite.  For someone who is thisclose to getting a diploma declaring her a Master Herbalist, we don't use herbs nearly as much as I think we should.

 (Of course, that's hard to do when every time you mention using them on your husband, he tells the story of how you made him drink 16 oz of what he calls "ass tea" for a cold when he should have only had a couple of tablespoons.)

(Oh, and he forgets to add that it worked and he was better the next day.)

We also don't eat as healthy as I think we should.

And this is where my point lies.  There are so many different and conflicting ideas about what healthy is:  vegetarian, vegan, low-carb, no-carb, Paleo, whole food/no processed, low-fat, etc.  There are even people out there who think the only thing you should eat is fruit (fruitism or fruitarian, I think it's called).  And here's poor little old me, with my food-addled brain, trying wade through all this crap while on a paltry food budget.  I look at what we can eat and freak out.  Fruits and veggies are pretty much a luxury, though we can get a few.  Pretty much anything we can afford is very carb heavy.  Even meat is a luxury item.  And my brain is yelling at me, "Carbs!  Evil carbs!  You're going to be sick!  And tired!  AND FAT!  YOU'RE GOING TO GET SO FAT!" 
In my head, the only things I could eat and still be healthy (healthy=thin) is vegetables.  And specifically salads.  Which should have no dressing, but if you must it should be some kind of vinaigrette and very little of it at that.
"Don't you know you're supposed to enjoy the actual taste of vegetables without anything on top of them?  If you can't, there is something wrong with you.  And steamed vegetables, those are iffy.  Those are too tempting to put something like butter on.  In fact, just stick with lettuce.  Maybe celery.  You'll be safe if that's all you eat.  Besides, your husband and daughter need the other stuff.  Not you, fatty.  Not you."

It sucks.  I constantly feel like a horrible person or like I have given up on myself because I ate a sandwich with meat on it (wasteful, should go to someone else), or because I finished Baby Cakes' leftover chili (should have eaten a salad). I'm a bad mom because I can't think of all sorts of different healthy foods to give her at her meals (not that we can afford a bajillion different options) (and she probably wouldn't eat them anyway) and her snacks consist of crackers, nilla wafers, or her Halloween candy.

And I constantly feel like a failure because I'm not skinny.  I'm a failure because if I just ate better I would be thin.  If I just exercised, I would be thin.  If I just ate less (and I hardly eat anything as it is, to the point that I'm worried it will rub off on Baby Cakes) I would be thin.  If I just had more will power, more control over myself, I could be looked at as a person who deserves to be considered real, whole and worthy of admiration.  And I feel like I'm going to break under the pressure sometimes.        

Because It's My Blog, Damn It

Source: media-cache1.pinterest.com via Sarah on Pinterest