Sometimes I feel like a huge hippie hypocrite. For someone who is thisclose to getting a diploma declaring her a Master Herbalist, we don't use herbs nearly as much as I think we should.
(Of course, that's hard to do when every time you mention using them on your husband, he tells the story of how you made him drink 16 oz of what he calls "ass tea" for a cold when he should have only had a couple of tablespoons.)
(Oh, and he forgets to add that it worked and he was better the next day.)
We also don't eat as healthy as I think we should.
And this is where my point lies. There are so many different and conflicting ideas about what healthy is: vegetarian, vegan, low-carb, no-carb, Paleo, whole food/no processed, low-fat, etc. There are even people out there who think the only thing you should eat is fruit (fruitism or fruitarian, I think it's called). And here's poor little old me, with my food-addled brain, trying wade through all this crap while on a paltry food budget. I look at what we can eat and freak out. Fruits and veggies are pretty much a luxury, though we can get a few. Pretty much anything we can afford is very carb heavy. Even meat is a luxury item. And my brain is yelling at me, "Carbs! Evil carbs! You're going to be sick! And tired! AND FAT! YOU'RE GOING TO GET SO FAT!"
In my head, the only things I could eat and still be healthy (healthy=thin) is vegetables. And specifically salads. Which should have no dressing, but if you must it should be some kind of vinaigrette and very little of it at that.
"Don't you know you're supposed to enjoy the actual taste of vegetables without anything on top of them? If you can't, there is something wrong with you. And steamed vegetables, those are iffy. Those are too tempting to put something like butter on. In fact, just stick with lettuce. Maybe celery. You'll be safe if that's all you eat. Besides, your husband and daughter need the other stuff. Not you, fatty. Not you."
It sucks. I constantly feel like a horrible person or like I have given up on myself because I ate a sandwich with meat on it (wasteful, should go to someone else), or because I finished Baby Cakes' leftover chili (should have eaten a salad). I'm a bad mom because I can't think of all sorts of different healthy foods to give her at her meals (not that we can afford a bajillion different options) (and she probably wouldn't eat them anyway) and her snacks consist of crackers, nilla wafers, or her Halloween candy.
And I constantly feel like a failure because I'm not skinny. I'm a failure because if I just ate better I would be thin. If I just exercised, I would be thin. If I just ate less (and I hardly eat anything as it is, to the point that I'm worried it will rub off on Baby Cakes) I would be thin. If I just had more will power, more control over myself, I could be looked at as a person who deserves to be considered real, whole and worthy of admiration. And I feel like I'm going to break under the pressure sometimes.
Sweetie. :( When I get to that place my therapist usually tells me to work on my self-talk. That inner monologue criticizing you can be controlled. It takes practice, but when those negative thoughts start, flip the record over. Start telling yourself you are doing the best you can. Notice the good things you do and let yourself feel proud about it. Don't listen to all the outside things telling you what you need to do - you know your body. Carbs give energy, that's what they're for. You are a good person and you are beautiful just the way you are. You are a good mother. When you feel this way you hope someone will correct you, so I'ma doin' it! You are good! The end. I'm right. So theres. ;)
ReplyDeleteLol! Thanks Wisp. We certainly keep each other in line, don't we?
ReplyDeleteI could go on and on about all these diets. I have been on most of them. And we don't eat the things we should for money reasons too. But if you taking out something from your diet I would recommend soda and limiting sugar. The rest we just do our best on. You can only do so much on so little.
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