Productive Brain Farting

So I just had a little bit of an epiphany. (Seriously, like just a few minutes ago.  It would have been a few seconds, but my computer decided to be evil and shut down without telling me that the battery was low, so I had to restart it.  Oh the AGONY of waiting to tell you!)

I have been hating on the way my body looks for years.  And I have been hating on how crappy I tend to eat 2 weeks out of the month (the other 2 still aren't great, but I do feel more motivated to eat vegetables and less chips).  And I have been hating on how pressured I feel to exercise, because I'm "supposed" to be thin/healthy.  And these thoughts have very recently been consuming almost all my time.  Some changes are going on in my life right now that are making me feel out of control, so I'm finding myself turning back to old habits and thought patterns about controlling my food intake.  Thankfully I haven't actually started doing it, but the battle against that scared self in my head is harder than it's been for almost a decade.  And of course throw in mild depression and seasonal affective disorder and a super crappy and gray winter, and it kind of squishes me down with it's weight. 

I kind of feel at times that I'm stuck between a rock and hard place.  I do want to lose weight, mostly because I hate the way I look and I believe I'll be happy if I was just skinny and pretty again (yes, I know that this is a horrible way of thinking and not true.  I'm gorgeous, damn it, but I don't feel gorgeous).  But I also want to build muscle so I can be strong and powerful and confident in my knowledge of what my body can do.  I hate feeling weak and I hate being dependent on others to do what I know I should be able to do.  Like lift a 50 pound bag of dog food without feeling like I'm going to tip over on my ass.  I don't necessarily want to do it gracefully (though that would be nice) or be able to bench press more than some of my more athletically inclined male friends (of which I have one) (though that would be AWESOME!!!), I just want to be able to do it.  It just takes sooooooooooooo muuuuuuuuuuuch woooooooooooooorrrrrk....... Blah.  And I'm lazy.  So very lazy.

BUT

the epiphany.  Telling myself that I need to exercise because that's what I "should" do to be healthy, or be thin, or whatever, doesn't work.  It never has.  I don't think it works for most people.  Everyone has a little James Dean in them and wants to flip the bird whenever someone says they "should" do something.  I know I do, anyway.  I will dig in my heels and pull the other direction just because I have to show that I don't have to do anything anyone else says.  I'm totally in control of my life and YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!!  (Envision me stomping my foot and pouting.  I'm very good at it, it shouldn't be too hard.)

BUT (again)

if I say to myself, "Self, I challenge you to, oh, I don't know, power-walk around the table 3 times then press your naked butt against the window", I will probably do it.  I'm even more likely to do it if someone else challenges me to do it.  Especially if I know that they will be checking up on me to see if I did it.  Oooooo, and give me a prize if I do, oh man!  There are no bounds to what I would do if challenged.  Okay, I would probably have some limits, but probably not many.  But it has to be a challenge.  Daring me, doesn't work so much.  Meh.  Dares are likely to hurt or embarrass me, so, do it yourself.  I'm not sticking my tongue on THAT pole, thankyouverymuch (I was never much fun at Truth or Dare). 

This epiphany was brought to you by the fact that I forced myself to exercise today.  I hate to exercise (see above lazy excuse).  I don't feel good before, during, or after I do it.  And when I have to stop half-way through Sweating to the Oldies, I feel pretty weak too.  Afterwards, while I was drinking my Lemon Zinger tea, I was reading a blog post about a woman who had challenged herself to do a 7 day cleanse and was writing about how great she felt after completing the challenge.  Not because she had lost weight, or had broken some of her bad eating habits, but because she had been challenged to do something and had accomplished it. 

And I realized, "That's me!"  I thought to myself, "Self, I challenge you to sweat to the oldies 5 days a week for 1 week," and I said back, "You're going DOWN sucker!"  Suddenly, I felt like I could do it.  It wasn't a chore.  I had something to prove.  I FELT GOOD ABOUT IT.  Oh man, it was amazing.  And then I thought, "I need to blog about this!"  And then my computer shut down and I had to restart it, and well, here we are. 

So, starting on Monday, I will exercise 5 days in a row.  I'm allowing myself to pick what that is, though I'm pushing myself to do my exercise videos (yes, they really are Richard Simmons ones.  For some reason, I feel like less of a loser doing those ones), I could just go for a walk if that's what I wanted to do.  I'm also giving myself the weekend off.  Now I just have to pick what my prize at the end of the week will be.  Maybe Burger King?  Mmmmm......yum........

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