Yes, I'm bitching and moaning about how miserable my life is right now. Poor little me. Apparently, I'm not supposed to ever, ever talk about how badly I feel on my blog. Just about how fan-fucking-tastic it all is.
But this is what is going on in my life, and my blog is about my life, not about what I wish it was. It's not some fake out that I post to make everyone either happy for me, or pity me. It's my vent. It's my place to post what I want.
It's hard to talk about the good days, when the bad days are so overwhelming. I've had some really, really good days. Days when I know that I will be fine. Days when I know that I'm worth beating this for. Days when I really love myself. When I don't struggle with eating, or getting out of bed, or going to work. Hell, I've even recently had a good WEEK. But I still have more days than not where I DON'T believe any of that. I may be complaining a lot about it, but I'm trying, really trying. It may not seem like it to anyone except The Man, but I am. And I'm making progress. Just ask him. See, apparently, I used to have bi- or tri-weekly breakdowns, blubbering about how miserable I was. Now, he says, it's pretty few and far between, and I always have a pretty good reason (other than that I am lonely and emotional). So, I HAVE gotten stronger. I HAVE gotten a better handle on my depression, though it may not seem like it lately. I think that's WHY so much shit is hitting the proverbial fan. Because I can finally take more of it. But man, have you ever noticed how much shit stinks?
Thankfully, I have The Man. He is awesome. He is strong. He is supportive. He gets mad and protective if someone hurts me (what girl doesn't like that?). He is H-O-T (you know you all want him). I know that with him, I don't really need anyone else. I really don't. If I can just remember to actually listen to what he has to say to me. And to follow it. Looking for additional help outside of him has backfired on me bigger than anything ever has. I trusted some one with secrets that no one else knows (except for The Man), and this person knows this, and this person ended up playing coward. I KNOW this person is better than this. I KNOW this person is not really like this. I KNOW that this person is kinder than they are letting themselves be. I also know that this person will never, ever see this, and will never ever know that while a big big part of me regrets ever asking for help with something I knew they could help with, they will also never, ever know that they did still help me, and I will remember and love them forever for it. And maybe someday, when things are different, we can be friends again.
But I'm not so sure I want that, without a guarantee that it won't happen again. Because a broken heart is so not helping my situation right now.
I wish I were there to give you a great big huge hug.
ReplyDeleteDad