Life has been weighing on me lately. Greatly weighing on me.
HUGELY.
GINORMOUSLY.
Some of you know about it, as I have talked a bit about it, but no one knows everything going on in my burnt-out little brain (yes, that is smoke, and no, it's not because I'm thinking. Not this time anyway).
So much has been going on emotionally for me since this spring. And it's really been building up. And of course I'm going through this massive shift during POLITICAL SEASON. Now that's a season that really needs a hunting license. And I haven't been talking about it because it's so hard to put it into words. It's so draining. And it feels like no one gets it. I hate changes that make you feel utterly alone when you know you are not. But I'm going to try and get some of this off here.
Raising a kid the way I want to is hard. RIDICULOUSLY hard. I'm not saying that raising your kid different than the way I'm trying to isn't also hard, I'm just shocked at how much mental work goes into it. I want Baby Cakes to know that just because she is female does not mean she is lesser than a male. I want to teach her to think outside the box, rather than just do as she's told. She's young enough now that she knows what she wants, and I don't want her to ever lose that, or second guess that feeling. I want her to always go after what she wants, while flipping the nay-sayers the bird. I want her to trust her instincts and to follow them, because doing that is what keeps us safest and happiest. I want her to know that her sexuality is a beautiful and powerful thing, but that her sexuality is not her only power. That there is more to her than how young, pretty, or thin she is. That she can be just as good at math and science as any boy. And that it's okay to enjoy them. I want her to know that no matter what she does, she is always worth something and that she should never listen to anyone who tells her otherwise. That her opinions and ideas are worth hearing. I want her to believe in herself and to know how to think for herself and make her own decisions. I want her to decide for herself what her role in this world will be, not what some man says her role should be. I know painful things are going to happen to her, and while my painful experiences have shaped me, I want to keep her from ever experiencing any pain, character be damned. I want her to be a feminist, I want her to see that people deserve to be helped, that it's better to assume that they are trying and struggling rather than assume they are lazy and only looking for a handout. I want her to have the peace that I'm still struggling to find. I DON'T want her to have the horrible experiences in life that I did. I don't want her to have the issues with food that I have. I want her to know that food is just food, it holds no power over her to make her feel bad, happy, fat or thin (I want ME to know that). If she wants to eat a family sized bag of Cheetos in one sitting, that's okay. If she wants to be a vegetarian and only eat organically grown food, that's okay too. I want her to look out her window and know that there is a better world out there for her than is portrayed in the media. I want her to know that everyone struggles, and they all deserve to be treated gently because of it. I want her to make her own way in this crappy, dark world, and of course at the same time, I want to keep her here with me, because she makes my world so much brighter.
I look at all these parent blogs that preach certain ways of raising kids and sometimes all I can think is "Is that even possible for me?" And I get bogged down in which way is the "right" way. I read political blog posts and Facebook posts and all I can think is "Why is there so much hatred? Does no one realize that they are talking about humans with feelings? Why is there so little respect for others opinions? Why is it ALWAYS 'My way or the highway'?" And I start to feel sad at the divisiveness. I read about women being treated like children, children being cast off, men being indoctrinated with and spewing forth sick ideas and I feel helpless to fix our incredibly broken world.
Religiously, I ask the age old question "Can't we all just get along?" Why must people believe in a god who commands the death of other people (who are supposed to be his children too) just because they are the "wrong" religion? (This question goes for more than just Islamic jihadists. Christians do it too.) Why can't we acknowledge the spiritual experiences of everyone and recognize them as valid and just as real as our own, be they Hindu, Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, atheist, pagan, or whatever? Why can't we just let people find their own spirituality and support them in that search and finding, no matter where it leads them?
WHY MUST EVERYBODY BELIEVE THAT THEIR WAY IS THE ONLY WAY????
And the worst part is, I can't get away from it. It's everywhere. I just want to veg out on the inter-webs and even the joke websites are posting political crap, or trying to get me to change my way of thinking. I was oblivious to all this 15 years ago, and I want that back. Because this world is going to crush me.
Sorry this is so depressing, but it's a huge reason why I haven't been posting. I've wanted to, but sheesh, who wants to hear this all the time? I know I don't, and it's in my head on a loop.
One main problem is that it's the internet. The internet is not going to be an accurate sample of humanity and definitely not a good one. Many of the people posting so much hatred are the oh so brave armchair generals that only grow a pair when cloaked by the anonymity of the internet. They don't have to look anyone in the face. They don't have to make eye contact. And many of these people are loners with the luxury of being self-centered. They haven't had someone they care about hurt in front of them yet. Which is part of why they try not to care about people. They are cowards hiding behind a screen instead of living in the real world. My suggestion: less time on the internet. I've been severely limiting the time I spend online and which sites I go to and have found my mood has improved and my patience has strengthened. Too much time with the trolls makes you either a troll or a nihilist. lol
ReplyDeleteAbout being a mom: there is no right way. None. Every person is different. There was never a Babycakes before and there will never be another one. And you and the Man made her and spend every day with her, so you know best what she needs. Do it your way. I would just caution you not to let your own life problems affect her too much. My parents were trying so hard not to have the same problems with me that they had with my sister that my life became more about her than myself. If that makes any sense.
You are doing a good job. And you can do this. I know I don't have any kids. But I've gotten to sit back and watch all my friends and family have them, not sure if I'll ever be able to have one. The thing that has always driven me crazy is people that ignore their kids. And you don't do that. And I love it. The fact that you are paying attention to all these things and are humble enough to see how difficult it's going to be shows that you are a great mom. :)
*hugs* Keep your chin up. #1 thing: just love her.
I love you. I'm cheering you on--you are a phenomenal mother, I don't think you could do it wrong with how strong your desire to do it right is :)
ReplyDelete*sniff* Thanks guys. Now I'm all teary-eyed. It's allergies, I swear! *sniff*
ReplyDeleteI'm usually pretty good about ignoring parenting advise that I don't agree with, no matter who it comes from, but sometimes I read too many of them in one sitting and then feel inadequate. Maybe I'll just stick to Pintrest. That's quality brain food right there.