Food, Food, I Hate Food

Warning: Bad language follows. I'm not one of those Mormons who believes that saying "darn" instead of "damn" gets the same feeling across. I think it sounds silly and weak to not say what I mean when I need a strong word. Those words just aren't strong enough. But, I know that not everyone agrees with me, so I'm warning you. And the "f-word" does come up. Just so you know.

Yes, I'm bitching and moaning about how miserable my life is right now. Poor little me. Apparently, I'm not supposed to ever, ever talk about how badly I feel on my blog. Just about how fan-fucking-tastic it all is.

But this is what is going on in my life, and my blog is about my life, not about what I wish it was. It's not some fake out that I post to make everyone either happy for me, or pity me. It's my vent. It's my place to post what I want.

It's hard to talk about the good days, when the bad days are so overwhelming. I've had some really, really good days. Days when I know that I will be fine. Days when I know that I'm worth beating this for. Days when I really love myself. When I don't struggle with eating, or getting out of bed, or going to work. Hell, I've even recently had a good WEEK. But I still have more days than not where I DON'T believe any of that. I may be complaining a lot about it, but I'm trying, really trying. It may not seem like it to anyone except The Man, but I am. And I'm making progress. Just ask him. See, apparently, I used to have bi- or tri-weekly breakdowns, blubbering about how miserable I was. Now, he says, it's pretty few and far between, and I always have a pretty good reason (other than that I am lonely and emotional). So, I HAVE gotten stronger. I HAVE gotten a better handle on my depression, though it may not seem like it lately. I think that's WHY so much shit is hitting the proverbial fan. Because I can finally take more of it. But man, have you ever noticed how much shit stinks?

Thankfully, I have The Man. He is awesome. He is strong. He is supportive. He gets mad and protective if someone hurts me (what girl doesn't like that?). He is H-O-T (you know you all want him). I know that with him, I don't really need anyone else. I really don't. If I can just remember to actually listen to what he has to say to me. And to follow it. Looking for additional help outside of him has backfired on me bigger than anything ever has. I trusted some one with secrets that no one else knows (except for The Man), and this person knows this, and this person ended up playing coward. I KNOW this person is better than this. I KNOW this person is not really like this. I KNOW that this person is kinder than they are letting themselves be. I also know that this person will never, ever see this, and will never ever know that while a big big part of me regrets ever asking for help with something I knew they could help with, they will also never, ever know that they did still help me, and I will remember and love them forever for it. And maybe someday, when things are different, we can be friends again.

But I'm not so sure I want that, without a guarantee that it won't happen again. Because a broken heart is so not helping my situation right now.

'Tis the Season to be SAD

I hate this time of year. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Despise it. Loathe it. Abhor it. Detest it. Did I mention that I hate it? Yeah, I think I did. Yes, hate is a very strong word, but trust me, it fits my feelings for fall and winter.

And yes, I am defensive about it if you ask me what my problem is. I don't get people who like the clouds, or rain, or snow. I'm fine with both rain and snow, after they have stopped falling. Well, actually, I generally don't like snow either, unless it's a) sunny and b) completely undisturbed. Then it's pretty.

And I'm sure that the people who revel in cloudy days don't get why I don't. At least, most who have expressed to me their joy in the clouds and rain are aghast (I do love that word) when I tell them that I feel otherwise. I would really love to move somewhere where it never snows, or rains, or if it did, the cloud cover was blessedly short, and the sun could come out again. But since I can't, I just try to remind myself that at least I'm not in The Home State, where apparently it has already started snowing. Blech.

And don't ever, ever tell me that I'm the one who chooses whether to be happy or not every time I get up in the morning. If you believe that, then you have never dealt with depression. Count your blessings, if that's true.

And don't tell me that when it's cloudy out, or I will murder you.

Tell Me What You Think

No, really. How accurate is this? Out of the 2.5 people who read this blog at all. My brain must know. Now.

ISFP - "Artist". Interested in the fine arts. Expression primarily through action or art form. The senses are keener than in other types. 8.8% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

ISFP
disorganized, timid, prone to discouragement, socially uncomfortable, does not like leadership, suggestible, not self confident, not aggressive, lower energy, fearful, anxious, easily distracted, prone to discontentment, guarded, not confrontational, prone to longing for a stabilizing relationship, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, easily disturbed, fears drawing attention to self, prone to confusion, private, second guesses self, prone to quitting, underachiever, fears rejection in relationships, emotionally moody, prone to sadness, dislikes change, indecisive, modest, doubting, prone to laziness

favored careers:
sports management, pediatrician, school teacher, carpenter, veterinary technician, singer, health educator, stay at home parent, hospitality worker, pastor, athlete, physician assistant, photographer, health care worker, shop assistant, stylist, website designer

disfavored careers:
professor, marketing, academic, criminal psychologist, politician, comic book artist, actor, psychoanalyst, dj, judge, entrepreneur, attorney

At first, I was pretty certain that they got the "dislikes leadership" part wrong, because I love to be in charge. But then I started to think about it. Do I really? Really? Because, that means work. That means being responsible. Taking the blame if something goes wrong. Then I realized, I don't actually want to be in charge if the person in charge is competent and doing a good job. I just like to be in control. I hate not being able to say no to someone "over me" that I think sucks at their job. I think that's why I love my job so much. 3 days out of the week, I am in control of myself and my work space 98% of the time. I don't like it when the manager comes back and tells me to do something unexpected (okay, expected too), and I hate when more deliveries come, but that's something I deal with. Because as soon as those people leave my freight room, I'M in charge of figuring out the best way of getting it finished. YAY!

Anyway, let me know if you agree. Because if it's true, I think I have a lot of work to do. Except apparently I'm prone to laziness. So maybe I won't. I have an excuse now, you know. Science and all that.

A Politician? Really?

You Are 44% Good

You are a fairly good person. You strive to live a moral life whenever possible. You are usually kind, generous, and loyal. However, you do have a dark side that even you may not see. When it comes down to ethical decisions, you tend to take the path of least resistance. So you may end up lying, cheating, or engaging in other bad behavior... because it's just easier to do so. You are also probably: Conflicted and confused about the current course of your life Right now you are on track to being: A slightly crooked politician To be a better person: Break one bad habit - whether it's telling white lies or spending too much money.

How Good Are You?

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

Don't Get So Upset

While I don't have a scholarly source for this, it is something to think about. I've never liked the big deal people made about the X replacing Christ in Christmas. But then, I hate Christmas, and the rest of the holidays. Anyway, I found the quote on the number 1 listing on this page.


"Many well-meaning Christians are upset by Xmas, rather than Christmas, on Christmas cards and greetings. They see the X as a way to “take Christ out of Christmas.” Actually, the opposite is true. X is the Greek letter Chi, the first letter of the word Christ. It was used originally to prevent the disrespectful overuse of the Savior’s title in greetings and correspondence."

So there.