I always said that my sleep schedule would probably change after I had kids. Boy was I ever right. I am wiped by 9 pm most nights. But just like my baby, I fight sleep, whining and crying about it. But I'm still almost never asleep later than midnight, most of the time it's 11, and I tell myself every day that I am going to try for 10. Because, dang it all, I'm tired. Because I'm up between 6:30 am and 8 am every morning. In fact, today I got up at 8, and I felt like I had slept in! Even though for the last 1/2 hour of it was spent listening to my baby make happy noises in her crib.
You heard me right. I said (typed? spelled? pushed-little-buttons-onto-computer-chips-resulting-in-letters-forming-into-words-on-a-screen? The miracles of computers!) crib. Not cosleeper. Crib. 4 days ago, I woke up at 6:30 to a baby who was done sleeping for the night. But I wasn't. I had barely started. I was exhausted. I hadn't gotten more than 4 hours of not-good-sleep a night for about a week, because The Daughter just wouldn't sleep quietly. She would thrash around, and make little noises, and get upset because her pacifier had fallen out of her mouth yet again. We usually put her to sleep in her little cradle that we keep in the downstairs bedroom, and would bring her upstairs to her cosleeper when we would go to bed. She would sleep great until about 12, and then it would begin. I was soooooo tired. That morning, I broke down sobbing when The Man got up. I just wanted to sleep, and sleeping when she does doesn't work, because she only naps for half an hour to an hour at a time, and it takes me that long just to get to sleep. I was mad at Jesse because he gets to sleep all night
(to clarify: I'm the only one who gets up, because I'm nursing, and she only gets up to eat. I would nurse her in bed --in fact, that was the original plan-- but she nurses for at least 20 minutes, if not longer, and I learned that I can't sleep sitting up while holding a baby, or nurse laying down comfortably. So I take her into her room to nurse, so I can read.)
because he doesn't have to get up with her when she's hungry, and because he can sleep through her little night noises (he does take care of her before bed, for both her and us. I'm just there as a milk dispenser, really, once he gets home). I'm a light sleeper if there is any noise in the room I'm in at all, so of course, every thing she did woke me up. When she was smaller, I slept with her on my chest, and she was much quieter, which is how I managed to make it 3.5 months before totally losing it. But she's too heavy now to do that. And she was getting plenty of sleep, she was just loud about it.
ANY way, we put her in her own room that night, to see if I could get more sleep. And I did! I was still tired, because I was still alert a little so I could hear her if she cried, but I actually had dreams! And then the next day, in a minor hostage exchange, The Dog Friends brought us a baby monitor set that they are letting us borrow. So now, I don't even have to be as alert, because I can definitely hear her. So for 3 nights in row, I have gotten sleep. Not great sleep, and I don't expect to get that until she has moved out of the house, but much MUCH better sleep. And I was sad for only one of those nights. But she's still close, and she's sleeping fine in her crib (in fact, I think she's sleeping better too), and I still get to hold her and cuddle her when I nurse her. It's not what I wanted, or what I planned on, but it's what I needed if I was going to be a good parent to her during the day.
And now The Man is getting woken up too, which makes him grumpy. Thankfully, he knows it comes with the territory, and hasn't gotten mad at me about it. Just the monitors (we had fun with them last night. But that's another story). I now have the energy to watch the teenage angst dramas that played on the WB that I missed seeing when I was in high school (I just started Dawson's Creek. Next up is Buffy, then probably Felicity. So angst-y!). Or blog. I suppose I could do chores, but where's the fun in that?
Time for: Random Things About Me That You Never Wanted To Know!
What musician do you love that would surprise people because it doesn't seem to fit with the rest of your favorites?
Hmm, this one is a toughy. Pretty much everyone knows I love the Beatles. They are my all time favorite. Second to them is No Doubt. 3rd in line? System of a Down. But I'm not sure how many people would find this surprising. I know that The Man has been surprised when I told him that I like the eMotive album (or is it Lateralus
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
I Analyze Myself Yet Again
I've been pretty reflective lately. Any of you who read my blog probably picked up that I had a major rough patch a while ago (a loooooong while ago). I had questions posed to me that I didn't realize I had answers to, and I got very very lost. And lately, since it's been a while, I've been thinking (probably too much) about why I went through it. I'm starting to believe that the whole thing was mostly unnecessary, at least the intensity of it. I made a lot of big mistakes that I'm still struggling to forgive myself for, and it almost ruined a very good friendship. Why must I be so silly?
Because I don't remember ever living a life that didn't include some major emotional crisis going on. I was either ignoring it (though the effects were still felt), or trying to deal with it. And those of you out there who have dealt with major depression know how catastrophic it can be when the reasons for that depression start surfacing. I knew I was looking for something, so I created chaos, because that's what I was used to having around me. And then I wondered what the hell was going on.
I was very spiritually lost, and it was entirely my own fault. I had the answers in front of me, and I knew them, but I turned away from them because they were too simple. I have a very bad habit of doing that. If something is simple, than I MUST find something complicated instead. I would have been one of the Israelites that turned from Moses' snakes on the staff. Sadly.
But I'm at peace now. And I always would have been if I had just listened to the counsel I had received in many blessings over the years in the first place (I still haven't followed that counsel, but at least I know where my answers lie). It all has to do with the Atonement. How wonderfully simple. And yet, how wonderfully deep and compelling. A simple answer does not mean a shallow one. That is something I have always believed. If it was complicated and difficult to receive, that answer was worth more than any other answer.
Now I just need to find a book or something about the Atonement that isn't B-O-R-I-N-G.
And I realize how blessed I was at the time to have many good friends who helped me to understand, and helped me to stay on the path that was best for me, even though I already knew it. 2 of them probably don't even realize how much they helped keep me on there, because they were having their own struggles at the time. Two others had already come through some of those struggles and knew where they stood. Both talked to me at length about things, and I have realized that I fall neatly in the middle of them.
Most of my opinions haven't actually changed. I've just realized that when the world is run by humans, when people are taught by other people, what is actually the truth and what isn't is very much left up to interpretation. And mistakes are made. But the answers for me lie in 2 very simple actions:
Pray
Read my scriptures
Will I do those 2 things nearly as much as I should?
Not on your life.
But I will keep trying, and that's ultimately all that Heavenly Father has ever asked me to do.
Because I don't remember ever living a life that didn't include some major emotional crisis going on. I was either ignoring it (though the effects were still felt), or trying to deal with it. And those of you out there who have dealt with major depression know how catastrophic it can be when the reasons for that depression start surfacing. I knew I was looking for something, so I created chaos, because that's what I was used to having around me. And then I wondered what the hell was going on.
I was very spiritually lost, and it was entirely my own fault. I had the answers in front of me, and I knew them, but I turned away from them because they were too simple. I have a very bad habit of doing that. If something is simple, than I MUST find something complicated instead. I would have been one of the Israelites that turned from Moses' snakes on the staff. Sadly.
But I'm at peace now. And I always would have been if I had just listened to the counsel I had received in many blessings over the years in the first place (I still haven't followed that counsel, but at least I know where my answers lie). It all has to do with the Atonement. How wonderfully simple. And yet, how wonderfully deep and compelling. A simple answer does not mean a shallow one. That is something I have always believed. If it was complicated and difficult to receive, that answer was worth more than any other answer.
Now I just need to find a book or something about the Atonement that isn't B-O-R-I-N-G.
And I realize how blessed I was at the time to have many good friends who helped me to understand, and helped me to stay on the path that was best for me, even though I already knew it. 2 of them probably don't even realize how much they helped keep me on there, because they were having their own struggles at the time. Two others had already come through some of those struggles and knew where they stood. Both talked to me at length about things, and I have realized that I fall neatly in the middle of them.
Most of my opinions haven't actually changed. I've just realized that when the world is run by humans, when people are taught by other people, what is actually the truth and what isn't is very much left up to interpretation. And mistakes are made. But the answers for me lie in 2 very simple actions:
Pray
Read my scriptures
Will I do those 2 things nearly as much as I should?
Not on your life.
But I will keep trying, and that's ultimately all that Heavenly Father has ever asked me to do.
30 Days
Once again, I should be doing my homework. I'll call this one a study break.
I was catching up on blogs, and I found this on a good friends site:
1- What musician do you love that would surprise people because it doesn't seem to fit with the rest of your favorites?
2- Post your favorite picture of yourself.
3- What is something you miss?
4- Name a talent of yours you want to cultivate more.
5- What tv show or movie do you watch when you really need to calm down and come back to yourself?
6- What book has made the biggest impression on you so far?
7- Where do you dream of going someday?
8- Who inspires you to be more and why?
9- A picture (new or old) of you in your very favorite shirt.
10- Name a geeky hobby you have.
11- What tastes like Christmas when you eat it?
12- Make a recipe you've been scared of, take a picture to post here, then have fun eating it and tell us about it later. =)
13- Who, outside of family, do you still keep in touch with regularly that has known you the longest?
14- Name a comic strip you love.
15- Post a picture of you from a time you were very happy.
16- What is one thing you would change about yourself?
17- Post a picture of your favorite bird.
18- Favorite Sean Connery role.
19- A song you turn to when you really need that whatever-it-is.
20- What language do you wish you could speak fluently?
21- When you are bored, what do you doodle pictures of?
22- Your favorite poem.
23- What is the name of the scent of candle you have that you love the most?
24- Your favorite color to wear.
25- If you could start your own business, what would it be?
26- Try a food you've never tasted before and tell us about it.
27- What are the pros and cons of your place in your family (ie youngest, middle kid, oldest...) and how do you think it has shaped you as a person?
28- Name 2 animals - one tiny, one big - that you think are cool.
29- Your favorite movie in black and white.
30- What do you love most about yourself?
Time me.
I was catching up on blogs, and I found this on a good friends site:
1- What musician do you love that would surprise people because it doesn't seem to fit with the rest of your favorites?
2- Post your favorite picture of yourself.
3- What is something you miss?
4- Name a talent of yours you want to cultivate more.
5- What tv show or movie do you watch when you really need to calm down and come back to yourself?
6- What book has made the biggest impression on you so far?
7- Where do you dream of going someday?
8- Who inspires you to be more and why?
9- A picture (new or old) of you in your very favorite shirt.
10- Name a geeky hobby you have.
11- What tastes like Christmas when you eat it?
12- Make a recipe you've been scared of, take a picture to post here, then have fun eating it and tell us about it later. =)
13- Who, outside of family, do you still keep in touch with regularly that has known you the longest?
14- Name a comic strip you love.
15- Post a picture of you from a time you were very happy.
16- What is one thing you would change about yourself?
17- Post a picture of your favorite bird.
18- Favorite Sean Connery role.
19- A song you turn to when you really need that whatever-it-is.
20- What language do you wish you could speak fluently?
21- When you are bored, what do you doodle pictures of?
22- Your favorite poem.
23- What is the name of the scent of candle you have that you love the most?
24- Your favorite color to wear.
25- If you could start your own business, what would it be?
26- Try a food you've never tasted before and tell us about it.
27- What are the pros and cons of your place in your family (ie youngest, middle kid, oldest...) and how do you think it has shaped you as a person?
28- Name 2 animals - one tiny, one big - that you think are cool.
29- Your favorite movie in black and white.
30- What do you love most about yourself?
What you do is answer one of the questions every day. I'm stealing it, and doing it myself. Now, will I do one every day for a month? Don't be silly. I'm not that good at schedules. But I'm hoping I'll at least get through 30 of these in a year.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Zzzzzzzz.......
I am so tired. I think I actually got more sleep, consistent sleep, when The Daughter was a newborn. I think I got 3 hours last night. Maybe 4. I just couldn't shut my brain off. So of course, it has to be the night that The Man is thrashing around in his sleep all night (he had no idea when I told him this morning), and The Daughter is making noise all night. All 3 of us are tired. And she's the only one who can actually just sleep when she wants to. But is she? Nope. She's rubbing her eyes, vasilatting between fussing and smiling, sucking on her soothie (can I just defend myself here for giving her one? She has such a need to suck on something, though you would never know it for how often it comes out of her mouth. If I didn't give it to her, she'd be sucking on me, or crying. I put up with that for about 3 weeks. I feel enough like a cow, I'm not keen on feeling like a pacifier too), pulling her soothie out to suck/chew on her fingers (it's so CUTE!), and squirming around, doing all she can to fight it off. I would take her upstairs to nap with her, but I have homework I'm procrasitnating doing. I plan my days around when The Mother-In-Law gets home from work so I can get some good sleep. Not sleeping makes parenting hard. I think God should have made babies to sleep at night from day one, so that parents could be better parents. The Man thinks that He didn't because of agency or something like that. He's probably right, but still. I will be asking that question when I'm dead.
I can barely function with one kid and no sleep. I don't know how you parents out there with more than one can do it.
I was so hoping that having a baby would bring me and my mom closer together; that I would understand her better. I was also hoping that she would finally see me as an adult, since, you know, I have my own kid and all.
Nope.
If anything, our relationship right now is even more tenous, though I'm not sure she knows that. I had to see her 3 times in 3 months (when the baby was born in October, in November for her blessing, and at Christmas). I will be seeing her again in April, probably. And in the summer. And next fall. And so on. 4 times a year. I could barely stay civil to her seeing her 2 times a year. I've got to learn some trick to keep my sanity now that I have to see her twice as much. The only reason it's happening is because of The Daughter. I'm certainly not going to deny her knowing her grandmother just because I have a slightly bad relationship with her.
What brought this on? Well, there is a family "reunion" that is being planned for the immediate family on my side. Me and The Man, my brothers and their families, and my parents. The plans were to go to a campground that we used to go to as kids. The last family reunion was held there (we didn't go). I found out that the cabins aren't baby safe, especially for one that is at least crawling, if not learning how to walk. So I said "Let's do this somewhere else. Somewhere where we are all happy with the accomidations." My mom could NOT believe that I wouldn't want to go there. I mean, my brothers had such fun last time! Why do I want to deny them that? I'm sure my baby will be just fine, really! Ignore what you heard, it doesn't matter. My brothers had fun! I don't want to ruin it for them.
Really? Apparently MY opinion on where we go doesn't matter. Whether I feel my child is safe or not doesn't matter. So I talked to my brothers, sort of (I actually talked to Seattle Sister-In-Law #2, who talked to both my brothers. The fact that I now have a child didn't really occur to one of them. They were very open to going somewhere else). They came up with some ideas of other places to go, and I liked some of them, so I suggested them to my mom instead. What do I get? HER suggestion that The Man, The Daughter, and I stay at a hotel that is 10 minutes away from the campground instead, while everyone else stays there. It felt like she was punishing us for daring to suggest that we go somewhere else. Like we had to be seperated from every body because we aren't any fun. Not that I would normally mind the seperation, but to completely ignore my suggestions? That stung.
But I had family on my side, and after Seattle Sister-In-Law #2 found out, she called my mom out, and more nicely than I would have. And since her children-in-law can walk on water, my mom was quite open to the idea of EVERYONE deciding where to go so that EVERYONE is satisfied with the trip and EVERYONE has fun. Imagine that!
Then she sent me an email implying that we aren't thinking about our baby and her size in relation to the size of our dogs (HUGE) and how we play with them and that she is going to get hurt. Because apparently we would never think to make sure she was out of the way before we started throwing a ball for them to chase (yes, we play that game in the house. I'm amazed that we haven't broken the tv yet). Her reasons? Our German Shepard (the only one in question, actually) ran into her last summer, she ran into The Mother-In-Law, and one time she jumped over the baby and her paw hit her forehead leaving a little red mark and a bump for about a day (we weren't playing with her that time. It was dinner time and we didn't think she would jump over The Man, who was holding The Daughter, to get to the stairs. She's never done that before). I just deleted that one.
She's a very clumsy German Shepard.
I can barely function with one kid and no sleep. I don't know how you parents out there with more than one can do it.
I was so hoping that having a baby would bring me and my mom closer together; that I would understand her better. I was also hoping that she would finally see me as an adult, since, you know, I have my own kid and all.
Nope.
If anything, our relationship right now is even more tenous, though I'm not sure she knows that. I had to see her 3 times in 3 months (when the baby was born in October, in November for her blessing, and at Christmas). I will be seeing her again in April, probably. And in the summer. And next fall. And so on. 4 times a year. I could barely stay civil to her seeing her 2 times a year. I've got to learn some trick to keep my sanity now that I have to see her twice as much. The only reason it's happening is because of The Daughter. I'm certainly not going to deny her knowing her grandmother just because I have a slightly bad relationship with her.
What brought this on? Well, there is a family "reunion" that is being planned for the immediate family on my side. Me and The Man, my brothers and their families, and my parents. The plans were to go to a campground that we used to go to as kids. The last family reunion was held there (we didn't go). I found out that the cabins aren't baby safe, especially for one that is at least crawling, if not learning how to walk. So I said "Let's do this somewhere else. Somewhere where we are all happy with the accomidations." My mom could NOT believe that I wouldn't want to go there. I mean, my brothers had such fun last time! Why do I want to deny them that? I'm sure my baby will be just fine, really! Ignore what you heard, it doesn't matter. My brothers had fun! I don't want to ruin it for them.
Really? Apparently MY opinion on where we go doesn't matter. Whether I feel my child is safe or not doesn't matter. So I talked to my brothers, sort of (I actually talked to Seattle Sister-In-Law #2, who talked to both my brothers. The fact that I now have a child didn't really occur to one of them. They were very open to going somewhere else). They came up with some ideas of other places to go, and I liked some of them, so I suggested them to my mom instead. What do I get? HER suggestion that The Man, The Daughter, and I stay at a hotel that is 10 minutes away from the campground instead, while everyone else stays there. It felt like she was punishing us for daring to suggest that we go somewhere else. Like we had to be seperated from every body because we aren't any fun. Not that I would normally mind the seperation, but to completely ignore my suggestions? That stung.
But I had family on my side, and after Seattle Sister-In-Law #2 found out, she called my mom out, and more nicely than I would have. And since her children-in-law can walk on water, my mom was quite open to the idea of EVERYONE deciding where to go so that EVERYONE is satisfied with the trip and EVERYONE has fun. Imagine that!
Then she sent me an email implying that we aren't thinking about our baby and her size in relation to the size of our dogs (HUGE) and how we play with them and that she is going to get hurt. Because apparently we would never think to make sure she was out of the way before we started throwing a ball for them to chase (yes, we play that game in the house. I'm amazed that we haven't broken the tv yet). Her reasons? Our German Shepard (the only one in question, actually) ran into her last summer, she ran into The Mother-In-Law, and one time she jumped over the baby and her paw hit her forehead leaving a little red mark and a bump for about a day (we weren't playing with her that time. It was dinner time and we didn't think she would jump over The Man, who was holding The Daughter, to get to the stairs. She's never done that before). I just deleted that one.
She's a very clumsy German Shepard.
I Really Should Be Doing My Homework.....
.....But this is more fun.
Hmmm.....I haven't been writing much good stuff lately. So, to make up for it: The Japanese hot pot resturant I went to recently was soooooo good! So many people seem to think Japanese = sushi, but, according to The Man, Japanese does not = sushi. Apparently, it's considered an appetizer over there. Who knew?
Any way, what you do, is, you pick out a meat (they do have a vegetarian option), and they bring you a plate with the meat, veggies, and udon noodles on it, a little tray with dipping sauces in it, and a bowl of rice. There is a pot in front of you in the table that has boiling water, and they add some flavorings to it, including green onions (I don't remember the rest). Then you take a third of the vegetables and dump them in the broth; let them cook for a bit, then add a piece of meat, cook it for about 30 seconds, then take it, with some veggies, dip it in a sauce of your choice, and eat with some rice. Delicious! Then, when you are done with that, they come over, add some kind of broth to what's left of your water, the rest of the vegetables, and the noodles, and you eat it like a soup. Fantastic! I loved it. It's called the Shabu Shabu house, and it's just a few blocks from where I live. It's a little on the high side for price, but their lunch special is a really good deal. If you have a little extra dough, spend it there on a special night with a sweetie of your choice.
Now back to your regularly scheduled program.
Hmmm.....I haven't been writing much good stuff lately. So, to make up for it: The Japanese hot pot resturant I went to recently was soooooo good! So many people seem to think Japanese = sushi, but, according to The Man, Japanese does not = sushi. Apparently, it's considered an appetizer over there. Who knew?
Any way, what you do, is, you pick out a meat (they do have a vegetarian option), and they bring you a plate with the meat, veggies, and udon noodles on it, a little tray with dipping sauces in it, and a bowl of rice. There is a pot in front of you in the table that has boiling water, and they add some flavorings to it, including green onions (I don't remember the rest). Then you take a third of the vegetables and dump them in the broth; let them cook for a bit, then add a piece of meat, cook it for about 30 seconds, then take it, with some veggies, dip it in a sauce of your choice, and eat with some rice. Delicious! Then, when you are done with that, they come over, add some kind of broth to what's left of your water, the rest of the vegetables, and the noodles, and you eat it like a soup. Fantastic! I loved it. It's called the Shabu Shabu house, and it's just a few blocks from where I live. It's a little on the high side for price, but their lunch special is a really good deal. If you have a little extra dough, spend it there on a special night with a sweetie of your choice.
Now back to your regularly scheduled program.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Being Lied To Is Fun!
The study that got everyone crazy about vaccines has been refuted, and the doctor has had his license revoked. I am now glad that I listened to my doctor and decided to vaccinate my baby on schedule. I really hope that this news gets as much exposure as the "study" did.
http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/mmr-vaccine-study-a-fraud/
http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/mmr-vaccine-study-a-fraud/
Saturday, January 1, 2011
The Blathering Just Won't Stop!
So I spent the seconds counting down to a new year cleaning an actively pooping baby. Such fun! She just wouldn't stop. And of course it was runny. And of course she stuck her foot in it, then rubbed it on one leg, which then got on her other leg. She's a baby; she squirms. Then it got all over my hands. She finally stopped pooping, and so we managed to get her cleaned up. I did get a kiss though.
I saw a sign board telling me that it was -0 at 1:30 am last night. I think it was lying to me. I don't know why it would single me out to lie to. What did I ever do to it?
I broke my party pooperness and played Scattergories (as much as The Daughter would let me). I had fun. And there should be more than 12 lists. I will now play 3 games with a group of non-competitive (this is important) people. A party will be held in celebration.
I found the laptop my parents gave me (The Dad's old one. Don't be jealous) a week after they left. I am choosing to use post-pregnancy brain as an excuse. Putting it at my place at the table doesn't mean I'll see it. It must be wrapped and presented to me. Preferably with great ceremony.
I was thinking about why purple is my favorite color (I over analyze every thing) and realized that purple is traditionally the color of royalty. I have decided that I must have been royalty in a past life. It's only fitting.
Nursing has really given me practice typing with one hand. I'll be great at this after a year.
Happy New Year.
I saw a sign board telling me that it was -0 at 1:30 am last night. I think it was lying to me. I don't know why it would single me out to lie to. What did I ever do to it?
I broke my party pooperness and played Scattergories (as much as The Daughter would let me). I had fun. And there should be more than 12 lists. I will now play 3 games with a group of non-competitive (this is important) people. A party will be held in celebration.
I found the laptop my parents gave me (The Dad's old one. Don't be jealous) a week after they left. I am choosing to use post-pregnancy brain as an excuse. Putting it at my place at the table doesn't mean I'll see it. It must be wrapped and presented to me. Preferably with great ceremony.
I was thinking about why purple is my favorite color (I over analyze every thing) and realized that purple is traditionally the color of royalty. I have decided that I must have been royalty in a past life. It's only fitting.
Nursing has really given me practice typing with one hand. I'll be great at this after a year.
Happy New Year.
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