And There Were Three In The Family

I learned something in the last five days.

I definitely do not want to have more kids. 

I know, I know.  My last post was all about my self-induced guilt trip about not having more kids.  And I honestly think there is a lot more to that guilt than just me feeling bad that poor Baby Cakes doesn't have anyone to play with but me, and I'm constantly telling her no, because I have more important things to do, like vacuum, or be on my computer looking at Reddit. (I get an A+ in my Mommy Classes for sure!)  The Mormon culture that is all around me (due to location), as well as the fact that I was pretty heavily involved in it during my formative teen years, I'm positive has a lot to do with that (we must multiply and replenish the earth, don't you know).  If I had joined as an adult, I don't know if that particular teaching would have stuck with me as much.  And there is some guilt stemming from the fact that, out of 3 children, I'm the only one to produce a grandchild.  It's a stupid reason, but hey, it is one.  And there are a few other minor reasons that I'm not going to bother thinking about right now, because I already posted about it and I'm not a dog that sniffs (and possibly eats) what I regurgitate.

So, how do I know I absolutely, do not ever, want more kids?  My period started today, 5 days late.  And I was all sorts of freaking out the whole time.  I went from scared, to pissed, to a kind of resigned and depressed acceptance, to relief when it started, in those 5 days.  I never said a word to The Man about it either, because I was really hoping I wasn't.  I mean, I just didn't feel pregnant, not that that means anything.  That feeling certainly wasn't comforting me at all.  Because how many stories are out there of women who go into labor who claim they didn't even know they were pregnant?  I know I've heard of a few. 

But my instant reaction I had when I realized I was late, which was of fear and "Oh my god I don't want this!", really answered whatever questions I had left bouncing around in my head about whether we should just have another one. 

I'm done. 

We're done. 

And now I can honestly start working on getting over the unnecessary guilt about it, and start proudly owning our choice. 

Rhetorical Posting

For various reasons, I've had on my mind our decision to only have one kid.  All sorts of What If's are going through my head.

What if I'm doing the wrong thing by only having Baby Cakes and stopping there?

What if I'm hurting her in some way?

Would she be happier having sibling?

What if I'm messing her up?

What if she grows up to be miserable and unhappy because she's an only child, and she hates us for it?

What if we do have another so she'll have a friend and they end up hating each other?

What if, what if, what if?

I have 2 siblings, and even though it was minefield a lot of times, there were good times too.  I have good memories of my brothers, as well as bad.  And it's pretty awesome having them to talk to.  Sometimes, only they can really understand what I'm feeling about certain things.  And I love my brothers and would do anything for them.  But I won't do that.

But, regardless of the fact that I love them, we are not close.  The hard times we went through did not band us together in sibling solidarity, it only separated us, especially between me and my older brother (we are only just now starting to talk on the phone and actually have things to talk about).  And the only explanation I can come up with is our personalities.  We are all very, very different. 

Older Brother is punk, in every sense of the word.  He has been since high school (we are all now in our early 30's).  He does the hair, the clothes, the philosophies, the lifestyle. 

I'm this weird mix of conventional and unconventional.  I'm a people-pleaser, as well as someone who couldn't give a flying rat fart what someone thinks.  I'm a quintessential Gemini. 

Little Brother is laid back, easy going, a peace maker.  He doesn't like conflict, especially in the family, and never has.  He's the only one of all of us that consistently gets along with everybody in the family.  He's also the most extroverted out of the 3 of us.

The Man has 2 siblings.  One doesn't speak to us, for unknown reasons, and the other, well, let's just say the relationship was extremely rocky for a long time, but is now very awesome. 

So I also know that having a sibling does not mean you will automatically have a bestie for life.

But I was also never lonely, not in the sense that I think only's can be.  I may not have been friends with my brothers, but at least they were around.  And I think that's were this wondering is coming from.  It would break my heart to know that my little girl is lonely, when I know I could do something about it.

My reasons for not having another? 

-  I couldn't handle it emotionally or mentally.  Adia is super sensitive to people being sad.  I'm not sure how she would handle those moments when a baby cries for no apparent reason for hours, other than crying herself (which is what she currently does).  And if that is how she would handle it, my clothing choice for every day would be a straight jacket.

-  With The Man doing 5 - 6 hours of homework a night, there is not as much help there as I would like (though he does offer all the time.  With how much homework he has to do, I try to not take him up on it too often).  And what if, after he graduates, he gets a job where he doesn't even come home until dinner time, or maybe even later?  I remember how frustrating and difficult it was to make dinner with a crying baby, even with a wrap.  And how hard it can be now to make dinner with a 3 year old wanting to play with me (but doesn't want to help).  Put the 2 together and we would be getting take out every night.

-  Teething and potty training.  Need I say more?

-  Lack of sleeping, and not being able to nap with the baby because I have a toddler to take care of too.  And I am a terrible person if I don't get my sleep.  My patience is gone and I snap way to easily, even though I try very hard not to.  I just wouldn't be the mom I want to be due to lack of sleep.  I know this from experience.

-  Not having the time to myself I need every night because I have to go feed/change/rock a crying baby every 2 or so hours.

-  I love, love, love being able to give my full attention to Baby Cakes when I'm playing with her.  I love knowing that I can be the kind of mom I want to be since I don't have to worry about more than her.  I'm really not that good at this whole parenting thing, but I love how happy it makes her for me to spend time with her (though it can be soooooooooo boring).  And I love that I can give that to her more than I would be able to with another.

-  Deep down, I know that I'm very very happy with just one, and I feel it's very important for the parents to feel that way. 

-  But the biggest reason why I don't want another one is simply that I just don't.  I have no desire to get pregnant (in fact I'm actually a little happy when I get my period every month), I have no desire to have a baby to hold that I can't give back. I just don't have that drive, that feeling, that want, that I had before I had Baby Cakes. 

-  Oh, and The Man doesn't want another either.  

For those of you out there with more than one kid, and who want(ed) more than one, I wholeheartedly commend you.   You are more mentally stable than me.

My I'd-Rather-Be-Playing-Video-Games Cleaning Guide

So I'm not the most domestic person in the world.  I hate pretty much anything that has to do with being domestic, from cooking to cleaning to doing any parenting that requires me getting off the couch.  But since I'm pretty darn good at cooking, and my child is perfect and thus easy to parent, this post is about cleaning.  Which I suck at.  In fact, cleaning is the thing I hate to do most, and before Baby Cakes came along, it was the thing I did the least.  My time was much too taken up with video games and tv to bother cleaning.  I would wait until I couldn't stand the mess anymore, and then go on a cleaning spree, which usually happened every couple of months.  In fact, my usual signal that it was time to clean was that the dust bunnies and clumps of dog hair in the corners would start talking to me and eating all our food.

Even after Baby Cakes came along, my cleaning schedule didn't change, because, well, she didn't do much.  It was when she started crawling, then walking, that I started looking for some kind of cleaning checklist that I could stand to do.  It was annoying seeing her so covered in dog and cat hair that she looked like an Ewok.  Still, it took me a long time to find exactly what I wanted: A cleaning checklist that would keep my house at least looking clean, but that wouldn't take me all day to do.  Most cleaning checklists I found SAID they only took 15 minutes a day, but in all actuality, it would have taken me all day to do the chores.  Very frequently they were "deep cleaning" chores included, like wiping down baseboards and cupboards, as well as the regular vacuuming, dusting, and mopping and you were supposed to do this every day.  Now, I suppose if you had no kids at home during the day and no job and you did it every single day without fail, some of these lists really would only take 15 minutes, but there was no way it would only take me 15 minutes to do them.  There were also usually about 5 - 10 different chores to do every day, as well as weekly, monthly, and seasonal chores.  Basically, my whole life would have been spent cleaning.  Which, if that's what you want to do, great, do it!  But that's not what I want to do.  I want to play video games, do something crafty (the one "domestic" thing I like to do), and maybe play with my daughter too.  I'm not one of those parents that is able to have my 3 year old do any cleaning and be satisfied with it, so bonding over cleaning doesn't happen.  I have to do it myself, and I hate doing it, so my standards for a cleaning checklist are pretty high.  I finally found one, and even though I can't remember where I got it from now, I'm going to tell you what it is here.  Sorry, no pretty graphics.  I don't know how to do that.  I know, I'm a bad blogger (if someone wants to volunteer their services, I'll happily pay you in cookies).

Basically what I wanted was a list that gave me 1 or 2 simple chores to do every day that would at least make my house LOOK clean, if not actually clean it.  This did not include doing dishes, that is one chore that I do every morning (takes about 10 minutes, unloading and loading, in case you're wondering.  Thankfully, I only have to do it once a day most days).  I finally found a list that had one chore every day that included optional once a week deep cleaning of one thing, which I choose to ignore for now.  I started following it, and after some tweaking, here is my daily chore list (you will notice that dusting is not on this list.  This is because, no matter what I use, dusting makes The Man's asthma act up, so it is something done only when I can't stand it anymore, instead of regularly):

Monday: Laundry
Now, The Man is in charge of doing our laundry (which he does on the weekend), so I do Baby Cakes' laundry and strip the beds and wash the sheets and towels.  I also put clean sheets on (usually right before going to bed).  While this chore technically takes most of the day, I'm not standing over the washing machine all day (thank you technology), so total time is probably around 15 - 30 minutes, depending on how much "help" I'm getting from Baby Cakes. 

Tuesday: Put away the laundry
No, I don't fold the laundry first.  Wrinkles are not something I worry about.  I pair socks as I put them away, and I only fold pants and towels so they'll fit in the drawers better.  Probably takes me 15 - 30 minutes, again depending on how much "help" I receive.

Wednesday: Vacuum
This is the longest chore for the week.  And I hate doing it.  If I don't get interrupted, I can get it done in 30 - 45 minutes, but it usually takes about 60 - 90 minutes because I have to pick up toys off the floor before I can vacuum.  So I guess that chore gets done too, because we really suck at having Baby Cakes pick up her toys every night.  I also have to wait until Baby Cakes goes to a different level of the house, because she doesn't like how loud the vacuum is.  This is a chore that gets skipped about once a month due to not feeling like it.  Also, I vacuum every floor, including the ones not carpeted.  The vacuum cuts down on flying dust much better than sweeping does, and it's a lot faster and not as messy.

Thursday: Clean the kitchen
For me, this means wiping down the stove, sink, counters, table, and chairs.  I also mop the floor if it needs it and I feel like it (usually not until my feet are sticking to it).  So mopping happens around once a month.  This one takes about 15 minutes (20 if I mop), even with "help", because Baby Cakes is pretty good at wiping things.

Friday: Clean the bathrooms
This one is much easier than I think a lot of people realize, especially after you start doing it weekly.  I don't mop the floors because they are super small and it's hard to get a mop in there without constantly bumping into things and performing contortionist tricks, so I will spot clean around the toilet when needed (which thanks to the fact that The Man can aim, and Baby Cakes pees sitting down, is pretty rare).  I just wipe down the counters, sinks, tub, and toilets.  This takes 15 minutes total - 10 minutes in one bathroom, 5 in the other.

Saturday and Sunday: Not a blasted thing (though mowing may start happening here soon).

I've noticed since I've started following this list (I've been doing it for about 6 months, I'd say) that my tolerance for a mess is going down.  I'm much more likely to randomly put things away if they aren't where they are supposed to be, and I'm getting better at not setting things down in random places in the first place.  Now if I can get The Man to stop doing that, everything would be golden.  Anything else that needs cleaning happens as I feel like doing it and Baby Cakes lets me.  So I end up with a day that is open to actually do things, like go outside or to the library or park.  Or watch tv.  You know, important stuff.

Oh yeah, the nice thing about this list (besides the fact that it's easy)?  It doesn't make my house look like it could be in Better Homes and Gardens, which helps me remember that my house looking perfect at all times is NOT important.  It's important that it's clean, because being sick sucks, but if there are toys on the floor more days than not, or dog hair on the couch every day but Wednesday, eh.  What's important is that I have time to beat Diablo 3.

Post of Controversy #5 Religious Liberty, Racism, and Homophobia

So today I learned that people tried to use religious freedom to discriminate against different races in their places of business before the Civil Rights Movement, a la the thankfully vetoed bill recently brought to the table in Arizona proposing that those who don't agree with homosexual marriage should be allowed to also refuse to do business with them.  They were shot down too, as should any bill trying to "protect" peoples supposed right to discriminate against people they don't happen to like.  Discriminating against homosexuals is no different than discriminating against people of different races and cultures.  It really isn't.  They are people who deserve to be treated with respect and dignity regardless of anything else.  You know, the golden rule and all that.  You don't really need me to repeat that do you?


 In case you needed reminding.

When "Religious Liberty" Was Used To Justify Racism Instead of Homophobia

Accomplishments or Why Compliments on Weight Loss Can Be a Bad Thing

Beauty Redefined has done it again.  I'm right on board with this idea of not complimenting someone on how much weight they have lost (unless they bring it up).  I know from personal experience how even one comment can send a person on that dangerous pathway of weight and food obsession.  In fact, it doesn't even have to be a comment about my weight that does it to me.  All it takes is for someone to say that I should/could eat healthier, or that I would feel so much better if I just exercised, or for me to just participate in a conversation about healthy foods and exercise.  See, to my brain, healthy food = "good" food = food that won't make you fat.  If I'm eating something that could be considered "bad", then that must mean I'm fat, and if I keep eating it, I'm just going to get fatter.  And I can't be fat, because what will people think about me?  I'm nothing if I'm not skinny.  And then I look in the mirror.  And I see I'm not skinny.  And I hate myself.  Everything I've accomplished flies right out the window.  I'm not a certified Master Herbalist, I'm fat.  I'm not a good mother because my thighs rub together.  Why does it matter that I can crochet if my stomach isn't flat?  The number of books I've read and the insane amount of random trivia and useless facts I know doesn't matter if I jiggle anywhere.  And I honestly can't think of any other accomplishments because now my mind is filled with shame that I'm not skinny anymore.  And I'm not putting shame in quotes because I am ashamed.  I'm ashamed at failing the one thing that society tells me is the most important thing for me to accomplish: to be skinny enough that I'm a pleasure to look at.  The Man's opinion is irrelevant, I have to be approved of by that faceless "society".  And I was very good at that for close to 10 years.  There is a part of me that hates myself for giving that up so "easily" (that's in quotes because it wasn't).  I can't seem to remind that part of me how miserable I was when I was doing everything I could to keep losing weight.  How I actually had a friend hug me for eating two slices of pizza.  How my nutritionist had to convince me that it was okay to at least drink some Kool-aid to keep my blood sugar up if I wasn't going to eat anything and how horrified I was about it.  About how I thought I couldn't buy food because it was a waste of money.  How I couldn't ask to stop for food if I was out with friends and was hungry because that meant I was weaker than them, even if I hadn't eaten all day.   How I cried one day because I was looking in the mirror and inhaled and instantly "felt" fatter because my ribs expanded.  About how my heart hurt sometimes, how I couldn't walk very far without getting winded, how easily I bruised, how I couldn't eat even if I wanted to without permission from someone else.  How completely controlled I was by my eating disorder and that damn number on the scale.  Nope, what I remember is how many compliments I got on my looks.  How many times I heard some other woman lament that she wasn't as skinny as me.  That she wished she has my "self-control", or if they knew about the anorexia, that they wished they had it "just a little bit".  How I was lucky that I could wear whatever I wanted.  How it was because of how skinny I was that guys talked to me, since guys won't talk to "fat" girls.  Even though those guys DID talk to those girls.  And the worst was hearing from my friends that they hated me because I was so skinny. 

THAT is what I consider my biggest accomplishment.  And it makes me sick.

Post of Controversy #4

Suck it, homophobes!

P.S.  The Man is angrily jealous of their super awesome hair.  "Punch them in their nice hair!"

Happy

This video speaks volumes to how I've been feeling lately. My life is wonderful!

Post (Link, Really) of Controversy #3

I've been working hard this last year to get over my body image issues, and have been frequenting HAES (Health At Every Size) and positive body image blogs for some moral support.  Because of this, I have read a lot about the so-called "childhood obesity crisis".  The blogger I'm linking to says how I feel about the situation a lot better than I can (I would just get all ranty and incoherent).  The article is really good, so go and read, and learn.

Is The Childhood Obesity Crisis a Big, Fat, Red Herring?