Happy Saturnalia! (Post of Controversy #2)

http://www.simpletoremember.com/vitals/Christmas_TheRealStory.htm

Let's go singing naked!

Post of Controversy #1

So I recently, very stupidly, posted a political post on Facebook.  Thankfully, nothing major happened and there was no major shit-storm on my wall like happened on other friend's walls that posted similar things.  But what little DID happen was the final push I needed to step back from Facebook.  I have decided that any and all things that I want to share with the world, controversial or not, will now go on my blog instead of Facebook.  Very few people read my blog (at least according to the desert the comment section is), and as such, I feel it is a less public space than Facebook.  It seems it may be easier for my more conservative friends to ignore the fact that I disagree with them since they just don't have to come here at all, ever.  They won't have to hide me completely on their Facebook walls, and so they can still glut themselves on pictures of my adorable daughter.  Because who DOESN'T want to do that?

Honestly, I don't understand why everyone just doesn't think like me.  Come on, I'm amazing and perfect.  Why fight it?  You know I'm right.

Anyway, here is my first Post of Controversy.  I don't remember who sent me this link originally, but I really like what Dr. Eagleman has to say.  You really CAN'T know.  And that's an amazing prospect which really opens up the world to you.  "Knowing" shuts your mind down and removes the wonder, amazement, and joy that comes from learning something new.

Shaken, But Not Stirred

So, basically, exercising has hit a rough patch.  My eating disorder has become a ravenous beast determined to eat me alive.  After I got over the sick I wrote about in my last post, I exercised for 1 more week (that stupid cold took us all 2 weeks to get over).  Then I stopped because my parents were coming to visit and they stay in our home when they are here.  For various reasons, I don't want my parents to know I am attempting to exercise on a regular basis, so I didn't while they were visiting.  But by that time I had thought I noticed a very slight change in how my shirts fit (I now seriously doubt that anything had changed at all) and that kicked my mindset from exercising because my sedentary lifestyle is unhealthy and I don't feel good, to exercising to lose weight.  And I needed to lose that weight fast, faster than just exercising would.  I started looking up exercise routines that claimed to make you lose weight quickly and trying to figure out if I could do them; I started researching different diet plans SOLELY for the weight loss claims.  The biggest one I looked at was the Paleo diet.  I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to afford to do it, though I kept looking.  And I kept telling myself that I wouldn't stop eating, I was just going to change WHAT I ate (Red Flag #1).  But I did quit eating.  My excuse was because we didn't have any Paleo appropriate food in the house, so I couldn't eat, or else I was just going to keep gaining weight, because evil carbs, yo (Red Flag #2).  And what I considered appropriately Paleo was getting more and more narrow until basically I was mentally only allowing myself steamed veggies, ground beef and eggs (NOTE:  I never actually got around to eating this way consistently, but I was planning for eventuality).  I did eat dinner because I didn't want The Man to realize what I was doing (Red Flag #3).  The day I sat down at my computer and very consciously told myself that I wasn't going to eat lunch that day because I was fat and needed to lose weight (Red Flag #4) was the day that I realized it was getting out of control.  And it scared me (though I still didn't eat lunch.  By that point, I couldn't, once I had made up my mind not too).  I really do hate the way I look, but I am NOT going to be the reason my daughter has any eating or self-image issues.  So for the last 2ish months I've been working hard at pushing all thoughts and plans and attempts at changing my diet drastically away.  It's been really hard and really confusing, because I know that my diet leaves much to be desired.  It's not as unhealthy as it was a few years ago, when I was using a lot of processed foods in my cooking, but it's still not great.  I don't eat nearly as many vegetables as I need to, or even want to.  I eat a lot of carbs.  And I love to snack.  I had to quit exercising, because all I could think of was if I was going to wake up the next day skinny again.  And I hated knowing that I wasn't. 

I've started looking for and reading HAES (Health At Every Size) blogs and articles.  Because that's what I know I should want, and a big part of me does.  I really do want to care very little about how my body actually looks, as long as I'm strong enough to fight off the zombies when they attack.  Or I at least won't get seriously winded 30 seconds into the fight.  I mean, I want to be able to make a good EFFORT, at least.  So that's my reason for my long disappearance this time (aside from my totally boring life.  Potty training, woo hoo!).  Today was the first day I felt really ready to admit to this.  I'm really grateful that it wasn't a total relapse; I don't even want to think about being in that place again, or how it would affect my daughter.  I'm having to re-train my brain again though, which really sucks.  I mean, carbs are not going to make me explode in fat; I'm not going to wake up weighing 596 pounds tomorrow just because I had a sandwich today.  I know this, but I don't KNOW that.  *sigh*  There is a huge part of me that wishes I were single and childless so that I could quit eating again.  That sickening thought is one of my strongest wishes.  That and wishing I had never gained weight in the first place.  Knowing that if I had remained in charge of my food, I wouldn't have.  And hating that I so easily gave up that control.  These thoughts are with me constantly right now.  And I hate it, even as I hold tightly to them, hoping for at least part of them to come true.
 

I'm a Maniac, Maniac.....

Sick.  Soooooo sick.  I was hoping I was going to get off easy this winter.  The last time I remember getting sick was when I had a pukey feeling stomach while The Man and Baby Cakes actually had puking stomachs at the beginning of the season.  And it only lasted a day (for me, not them).  The Man had 2 or 3 more colds but I didn't get any of them.  Baby Cakes had a fever for a few days a couple weeks ago, but I'm not sure if that was a cold or teething (stupid molars).  But now my body has decided it hates me.  And of course it has to hate me during the week.  A 2 year old is not good at realizing that I need to NOT MOVE.  Blah.

But I wanted to tell you something.  Before the virus hit the fan, I exercised for 3 weeks.  3 WEEKS PEOPLE.  15 days (I don't on weekends).  This is quite the accomplishment for me, the epitome of laziness.  What was even more shocking to me, is that I enjoyed is so much!  There was even one day that I wanted to do it AGAIN.  I didn't, but I wanted to.  AND I'm looking forward to starting again when I feel better.  Blows my mind.

Okay, that's all folks.  I'm going to go back to being sick now.

Productive Brain Farting

So I just had a little bit of an epiphany. (Seriously, like just a few minutes ago.  It would have been a few seconds, but my computer decided to be evil and shut down without telling me that the battery was low, so I had to restart it.  Oh the AGONY of waiting to tell you!)

I have been hating on the way my body looks for years.  And I have been hating on how crappy I tend to eat 2 weeks out of the month (the other 2 still aren't great, but I do feel more motivated to eat vegetables and less chips).  And I have been hating on how pressured I feel to exercise, because I'm "supposed" to be thin/healthy.  And these thoughts have very recently been consuming almost all my time.  Some changes are going on in my life right now that are making me feel out of control, so I'm finding myself turning back to old habits and thought patterns about controlling my food intake.  Thankfully I haven't actually started doing it, but the battle against that scared self in my head is harder than it's been for almost a decade.  And of course throw in mild depression and seasonal affective disorder and a super crappy and gray winter, and it kind of squishes me down with it's weight. 

I kind of feel at times that I'm stuck between a rock and hard place.  I do want to lose weight, mostly because I hate the way I look and I believe I'll be happy if I was just skinny and pretty again (yes, I know that this is a horrible way of thinking and not true.  I'm gorgeous, damn it, but I don't feel gorgeous).  But I also want to build muscle so I can be strong and powerful and confident in my knowledge of what my body can do.  I hate feeling weak and I hate being dependent on others to do what I know I should be able to do.  Like lift a 50 pound bag of dog food without feeling like I'm going to tip over on my ass.  I don't necessarily want to do it gracefully (though that would be nice) or be able to bench press more than some of my more athletically inclined male friends (of which I have one) (though that would be AWESOME!!!), I just want to be able to do it.  It just takes sooooooooooooo muuuuuuuuuuuch woooooooooooooorrrrrk....... Blah.  And I'm lazy.  So very lazy.

BUT

the epiphany.  Telling myself that I need to exercise because that's what I "should" do to be healthy, or be thin, or whatever, doesn't work.  It never has.  I don't think it works for most people.  Everyone has a little James Dean in them and wants to flip the bird whenever someone says they "should" do something.  I know I do, anyway.  I will dig in my heels and pull the other direction just because I have to show that I don't have to do anything anyone else says.  I'm totally in control of my life and YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!!  (Envision me stomping my foot and pouting.  I'm very good at it, it shouldn't be too hard.)

BUT (again)

if I say to myself, "Self, I challenge you to, oh, I don't know, power-walk around the table 3 times then press your naked butt against the window", I will probably do it.  I'm even more likely to do it if someone else challenges me to do it.  Especially if I know that they will be checking up on me to see if I did it.  Oooooo, and give me a prize if I do, oh man!  There are no bounds to what I would do if challenged.  Okay, I would probably have some limits, but probably not many.  But it has to be a challenge.  Daring me, doesn't work so much.  Meh.  Dares are likely to hurt or embarrass me, so, do it yourself.  I'm not sticking my tongue on THAT pole, thankyouverymuch (I was never much fun at Truth or Dare). 

This epiphany was brought to you by the fact that I forced myself to exercise today.  I hate to exercise (see above lazy excuse).  I don't feel good before, during, or after I do it.  And when I have to stop half-way through Sweating to the Oldies, I feel pretty weak too.  Afterwards, while I was drinking my Lemon Zinger tea, I was reading a blog post about a woman who had challenged herself to do a 7 day cleanse and was writing about how great she felt after completing the challenge.  Not because she had lost weight, or had broken some of her bad eating habits, but because she had been challenged to do something and had accomplished it. 

And I realized, "That's me!"  I thought to myself, "Self, I challenge you to sweat to the oldies 5 days a week for 1 week," and I said back, "You're going DOWN sucker!"  Suddenly, I felt like I could do it.  It wasn't a chore.  I had something to prove.  I FELT GOOD ABOUT IT.  Oh man, it was amazing.  And then I thought, "I need to blog about this!"  And then my computer shut down and I had to restart it, and well, here we are. 

So, starting on Monday, I will exercise 5 days in a row.  I'm allowing myself to pick what that is, though I'm pushing myself to do my exercise videos (yes, they really are Richard Simmons ones.  For some reason, I feel like less of a loser doing those ones), I could just go for a walk if that's what I wanted to do.  I'm also giving myself the weekend off.  Now I just have to pick what my prize at the end of the week will be.  Maybe Burger King?  Mmmmm......yum........

Source

*sigh*

Sometimes I feel like a huge hippie hypocrite.  For someone who is thisclose to getting a diploma declaring her a Master Herbalist, we don't use herbs nearly as much as I think we should.

 (Of course, that's hard to do when every time you mention using them on your husband, he tells the story of how you made him drink 16 oz of what he calls "ass tea" for a cold when he should have only had a couple of tablespoons.)

(Oh, and he forgets to add that it worked and he was better the next day.)

We also don't eat as healthy as I think we should.

And this is where my point lies.  There are so many different and conflicting ideas about what healthy is:  vegetarian, vegan, low-carb, no-carb, Paleo, whole food/no processed, low-fat, etc.  There are even people out there who think the only thing you should eat is fruit (fruitism or fruitarian, I think it's called).  And here's poor little old me, with my food-addled brain, trying wade through all this crap while on a paltry food budget.  I look at what we can eat and freak out.  Fruits and veggies are pretty much a luxury, though we can get a few.  Pretty much anything we can afford is very carb heavy.  Even meat is a luxury item.  And my brain is yelling at me, "Carbs!  Evil carbs!  You're going to be sick!  And tired!  AND FAT!  YOU'RE GOING TO GET SO FAT!" 
In my head, the only things I could eat and still be healthy (healthy=thin) is vegetables.  And specifically salads.  Which should have no dressing, but if you must it should be some kind of vinaigrette and very little of it at that.
"Don't you know you're supposed to enjoy the actual taste of vegetables without anything on top of them?  If you can't, there is something wrong with you.  And steamed vegetables, those are iffy.  Those are too tempting to put something like butter on.  In fact, just stick with lettuce.  Maybe celery.  You'll be safe if that's all you eat.  Besides, your husband and daughter need the other stuff.  Not you, fatty.  Not you."

It sucks.  I constantly feel like a horrible person or like I have given up on myself because I ate a sandwich with meat on it (wasteful, should go to someone else), or because I finished Baby Cakes' leftover chili (should have eaten a salad). I'm a bad mom because I can't think of all sorts of different healthy foods to give her at her meals (not that we can afford a bajillion different options) (and she probably wouldn't eat them anyway) and her snacks consist of crackers, nilla wafers, or her Halloween candy.

And I constantly feel like a failure because I'm not skinny.  I'm a failure because if I just ate better I would be thin.  If I just exercised, I would be thin.  If I just ate less (and I hardly eat anything as it is, to the point that I'm worried it will rub off on Baby Cakes) I would be thin.  If I just had more will power, more control over myself, I could be looked at as a person who deserves to be considered real, whole and worthy of admiration.  And I feel like I'm going to break under the pressure sometimes.        

Because It's My Blog, Damn It

Source: media-cache1.pinterest.com via Sarah on Pinterest

Colored Rice for Sensory Play

So I have a ton of projects on my Pintrest page that I really need motivation to do.  A couple of months ago, I decided that if I made sure to post the projects on my blog, then I would probably actually do them.  Turns out, the problem is not doing the projects, but doing the posting.  Didn't work out so well.  But I did do one project.  I made colored rice for Baby Cakes to play with.  The idea came from the Share & Remember blog.  She makes the rice with something called liquid watercolors, which I have never heard of, and are (apparently) really expensive.  Thankfully in the comments, someone posted how they did it with food coloring, so that's what I did.  Here is what I got:

So pretty!  It was really easy to make (a priority for me) and I did it in just an hour or so.  And Baby Cakes loves it.

The first time I gave the box to her, I went downstairs to do something and got sucked in.  All of a sudden I realized 30 minutes had passed and I hadn't heard a peep from her (she's 2, so that's pretty rare).  I went back upstairs and she was sitting in the box and there was rice everywhere.  She was in heaven.  She doesn't play with it for that long anymore, but she does ask to play with it at least a couple times a week.  And with how easy it is to make, I just vacuum up what she spills and make more when it gets low.  If you make enough you could even hide small plastic toys in the rice for them to find.  I'm planning on doing that the next time I need to add some.

Anyway, here is how I do it:

Colored Rice
1 cup rice per color
food coloring
sandwich bags or bowl for mixing
1 tsp rubbing alcohol or vinegar (I used rubbing alcohol.  I don't know how well the vinegar would work, but someone on the comments page on the original blog suggested it.  Also, add more if you think it needs it.  But I only used 3 tablespoons per 8 cups of rice when I made some for a large rice table for my church nursery.)  (And now back to your regular scheduled programming.)

Put rice in the baggie or bowl.  Add rubbing alcohol or vinegar to the rice, then 8 - 10 drops of food coloring.  Mix everything together really well.  Pour onto a cookie sheet with sides or a jelly roll pan and dry in a 250 degree oven for 10 minutes.

And that's it!  Enjoy having occupied children (at least for a little while)!