How I Survive The Holidays (Barely)

I hate the holidays.

I hate the holidays.

I HATE THE HOLIDAYS.

Before you lynch me, hear me out.  After I'm done talking, you can discuss amongst yourselves if I am still worthy of lynching (but my writing will be so witty, by the time you are done, I'll have such a head start you won't be able to catch me).

I hate the ads that tell you to get a 2nd mortgage to afford all the gifts your little precious "deserves".

I hate the commercials shilling the latest and greatest unnecessary item as needs or the one thing that will make you happy.

I hate the obligatory "well, we know them, so we should get them something even though we only talk once a year" gifts and the expectation that said gift should be reciprocated whether you afford it or not.

I hate hearing people talk about how they are going to only go into a "little" debt for Christmas.

I hate Christmas music. HATE IT.  (Some is very beautiful when done right, and done once.)  And I hate that it is played from October through January, because it makes people buy things.  There are only so many renditions of "Ruldolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" that can be tolerated in 10 minutes (same goes for that crappy Mariah Carey song).

Most of all, I hate the fact that our biggest holiday celebrations center around food.  Food and I do not have a good history, and the pressure to eat everything offered that goes hand in hand with the holidays in our culture is enough to drive me to hide out in my bathroom until it's all over.  I know that there are a lot of other people out there who also have problems with food and feeling a lack of control over it and the holidays, so I thought I would write down my own ways of getting through this sucky time of year in the hopes of helping someone else get through without killing themselves or someone else. 

*Disclaimer:  I am not, and will never be, advocating that absolutely NO eating should be going on as part of a control strategy.  While I am going to try to gear this towards all eating disorders (bulimia, anorexia, over-eating, EDNOS, etc.), the only experience I have is with anorexia, so it may lean that way.  I am trying to write for everyone who struggles though.  I strongly, strongly encourage anyone reading this to keep eating healthy meals throughout the holiday season.  These are just how I stay sane around all the food ridiculousness.  

1.  Keep it simple.  If you are in charge of the cooking of the meal, it is not obligatory to have a huge spread for both Thanksgiving and Christmas.  One main course and 1 side plus salad and dessert if you feel like it is more than enough.  It's not obligatory to have a huge spread for either one, in fact.  Granted, if you have 20+ people coming over, there will be a lot of food.  I would recommend passing the responsibility of hosting and cooking to others, and taking a pass yourself, if that is going to be the case.  In fact, even if there is only going to be 5 people, if you feel safer and more in control of the situation by handing off those responsibilities, DO IT.  And you are under no obligation to explain to anyone your reasons for doing this other than you just don't feel like it this year.  If your family knows your situation, by all means, tell them that's why.  If they don't, let them think you are lazy for bringing store-bought rolls or soda.  What they think does not matter; your happiness and sense of self does.  If you feel you can do it, you can always have a simple dinner at home with your significant other (if you have one) and kids (if you have them), and join the family party later, after most of the food has been eaten and hopefully some of the pressure to eat is off because everyone is passed out in front of the TV.

2.  If your family is toxic and a big reason you have problems with food and you know that they are going to do/say things to trigger your eating disorder, STAY AWAY.  It is perfectly okay to do that.  Tell them that your boss is making you work, tell them you are sick, tell them whatever you want, just stay away.  You are never under any obligation to be around people who hurt you, whether they are family, friends or some creepy dude on a subway.  Your safety, sanity and happiness is much more important.  If you need someones' permission to do this, you have mine.

3.  Remind yourself every day that you are in control.  Not food, not your parents, your spouse, your dog.  YOU.  Write it on every mirror in your house so that you see it whenever you look at one.  Add to it "I love you".  Say it to yourself.  You feel like an idiot, but no one is watching you, and it does help.  In fact, I recommend doing this year-round.

4.  Eat slowly, but eat until you are full.  No tricks to make it look like you're eating when you are not.  You know what I mean.  This is one way to learn intuitive eating.  Really try to enjoy what you are eating.  If you look at your plate and there is food left yet you know you are done, then stop eating.  If you want to eat something you normally don't "allow" yourself to eat, give yourself permission to eat it.  And remember, you do not have to clean your plate to be "polite".  You do not have to take seconds (unless you want to).  Basically, eat when you are hungry and stop when you aren't.  If someone gets insulted by you doing this, then that is their problem.  Your priority is you and how comfortable you are.  (*NOTE:  This can be EXTREMELY hard to do.  If you are just starting on your recovery journey, be gentle with yourself and take baby steps.  Skip this step all together if you need to.)

5.  EAT. 

6.  If you have a support group, therapist, or someone who knows your situation and can be your support, use them.  Use them, use them, use them!!!  I can not stress how important this is.  If you feel you do not have any one, I suggest the web board Something Fishy. The link to their forum is here and the link to their home page is here.  While I am not currently active and haven't been for quite sometime, this board has been a huge help to me in the past.  Also, if you know me, I am more than happy to try and be your support, though I will say now that if I think you need more than I can give you, I will let you know.  I will also try to help you find that help.

7.  BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF.  The holidays can be some of the worst times of the year to have an eating disorder, whether you are years in to recovery or just starting out.  The pressures can be, and are, huge.  Just do what you can, but DO NOT cope by digging deeper into the eating disorder.  I believe that step number 3, reminding yourself that you love yourself and that you are in control is one of the most important things you can do to get started and keep going.  Even if that's "all" you can do, it is a first step in the right direction of taking control back, it's huge, and it's something to be proud of. 

Here's hoping we all get through this as unscathed as possible.  Happy Holidays.

P.S.  I am not, by any means, perfect at following these steps.  My dad has to follow a special diet, and when he doesn't follow it exactly for one reason or another one day, he just starts again the next day.  Take it one day at a time, try not to worry about what you are going to be doing tomorrow.  Also, trying is perfectly valid.  Screw Yoda. 

Just Because

Ten Things I Love About BabyCakes:

1.  She always dances to the song "Clean Up" and rarely to anything else.
2.  She fake laughs.
3.  She will draw a straight line and call it a slide.
4. She will draw a "circle" and call it anything from a happy face to a goat.
5.  She loves rocking chairs.
6.  She runs circles around the dining room table with a very serious look on her face when she is happy and content.
7.  She loves the library, reading, and being read to (over and over and over and over...)
8.  She gets super excited when The Man comes home from work.
9.  She plays in the freezer.
10.  She makes her stuffed animals kiss the dogs and the cats.

She's So Heavy

Life has been weighing on me lately.  Greatly weighing on me.

HUGELY.

GINORMOUSLY.

Some of you know about it, as I have talked a bit about it, but no one knows everything going on in my burnt-out little brain (yes, that is smoke, and no, it's not because I'm thinking.  Not this time anyway).  

So much has been going on emotionally for me since this spring.  And it's really been building up.  And of course I'm going through this massive shift during POLITICAL SEASON.  Now that's a season that really needs a hunting license.  And I haven't been talking about it because it's so hard to put it into words.  It's so draining.  And it feels like no one gets it.  I hate changes that make you feel utterly alone when you know you are not.  But I'm going to try and get some of this off here.  

Raising a kid the way I want to is hard.  RIDICULOUSLY hard.  I'm not saying that raising your kid different than the way I'm trying to isn't also hard, I'm just shocked at how much mental work goes into it.  I want Baby Cakes to know that just because she is female does not mean she is lesser than a male.  I want to teach her to think outside the box, rather than just do as she's told.  She's young enough now that she knows what she wants, and I don't want her to ever lose that, or second guess that feeling.  I want her to always go after what she wants, while flipping the nay-sayers the bird.  I want her to trust her instincts and to follow them, because doing that is what keeps us safest and happiest.  I want her to know that her sexuality is a beautiful and powerful thing, but that her sexuality is not her only power.  That there is more to her than how young, pretty, or thin she is.  That she can be just as good at math and science as any boy.  And that it's okay to enjoy them.  I want her to know that no matter what she does, she is always worth something and that she should never listen to anyone who tells her otherwise. That her opinions and ideas are worth hearing.  I want her to believe in herself and to know how to think for herself and make her own decisions.  I want her to decide for herself what her role in this world will be, not what some man says her role should be.  I know painful things are going to happen to her, and while my painful experiences have shaped me, I want to keep her from ever experiencing any pain, character be damned.  I want her to be a feminist, I want her to see that people deserve to be helped, that it's better to assume that they are trying and struggling rather than assume they are lazy and only looking for a handout.  I want her to have the peace that I'm still struggling to find.  I DON'T want her to have the horrible experiences in life that I did.  I don't want her to have the issues with food that I have.  I want her to know that food is just food, it holds no power over her to make her feel bad, happy, fat or thin (I want ME to know that).  If she wants to eat a family sized bag of Cheetos in one sitting, that's okay.  If she wants to be a vegetarian and only eat organically grown food, that's okay too.  I want her to look out her window and know that there is a better world out there for her than is portrayed in the media.  I want her to know that everyone struggles, and they all deserve to be treated gently because of it.  I want her to make her own way in this crappy, dark world, and of course at the same time, I want to keep her here with me, because she makes my world so much brighter.  

I look at all these parent blogs that preach certain ways of raising kids and sometimes all I can think is "Is that even possible for me?"  And I get bogged down in which way is the "right" way.  I read political blog posts and Facebook posts and all I can think is "Why is there so much hatred?  Does no one realize that they are talking about humans with feelings?  Why is there so little respect for others opinions?  Why is it ALWAYS 'My way or the highway'?"  And I start to feel sad at the divisiveness.  I read about women being treated like children, children being cast off, men being indoctrinated with and spewing forth sick ideas and I feel helpless to fix our incredibly broken world.

Religiously, I ask the age old question "Can't we all just get along?"  Why must people believe in a god who commands the death of other people (who are supposed to be his children too) just because they are the "wrong" religion?  (This question goes for more than just Islamic jihadists.  Christians do it too.)  Why can't we acknowledge the spiritual experiences of everyone and recognize them as valid and just as real as our own, be they Hindu, Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, atheist, pagan, or whatever?  Why can't we just let people find their own spirituality and support them in that search and finding, no matter where it leads them?  

WHY MUST EVERYBODY BELIEVE THAT THEIR WAY IS THE ONLY WAY????

And the worst part is, I can't get away from it.  It's everywhere.  I just want to veg out on the inter-webs and even the joke websites are posting political crap, or trying to get me to change my way of thinking.  I was oblivious to all this 15 years ago, and I want that back.  Because this world is going to crush me.     

Sorry this is so depressing, but it's a huge reason why I haven't been posting.  I've wanted to, but sheesh, who wants to hear this all the time?  I know I don't, and it's in my head on a loop.